we had a power outage that lasted an hour tonight. it was the closest I ever came to a 'survival situation'. as silly it might sound, its quite a possibility during the winter here in fairbanks. several things I wanted to make a note of and blog!
so the lights go off and I am freaking out... then I realize I have a flashlight app on my phone.
I am so glad that my sister told me about it. at the time I thought it was the most ridiculous thing. who would need something like that ever? well. it came in handy today! I have the flashlight XT for windows phone. P has DLed as well for his iPhone. it makes your camera flash in to a flashlight! of course you should have real flashlights with batteries but for that moment, it does a great job.
don't panic.
sure its easy for anyone to say that, but when its -20 outside and you don't have power you might just panic. it was really hard for me to not break down and cry. I kept asking zilla if he was cold, if he was scared, if he was panicked. truth was I was scared. I was slowly getting cold, and I was on the verge of panic. I wanted to pack the car and drive off somewhere warm. at least we have heat in the car. we have a full tank. GET OUT OF HERE!!! is the only thing I could think of but I've watched a lot of survivorman to know that that could be the worst think you can do. stay calm. take your time and asses the situation so you know where to take your kids and the pets if the power doesn't come back on.
OMG. the PETS.
in my panic, I had complete forgotten about them. I would have left them or put them in to the car and realized that I had to stay in the car with them instead of going to a store or something where it would be warmer. after realizing this, I went upstairs since it was getting colder downstairs to calm down and rethink things. I sat there and kept zilla occupied (bean was asleep through the whole thing) then I felt the temperature upstairs equalize for a moment and it wasn't getting cold as quickly as I thought it was going to get.
by the time I was done thinking and assessing 45 minutes had passed. 15 minutes later as I was nagging zilla to put some socks on because he was getting restless, the power came back on.
the most important thing I have left for last though. I am thankful for my friends who voiced concern on facebook when I announced that the power was out. Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I posted that. I feel bad to worry people but I felt instinctively to do it. It does feel lonely and it feels good to have friends rooting for you and letting you know that they are sending positive vibes. I think that's what was able to calm me the most.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
holidays and random musings about attachment
november is over! fall is over! it's been winter already for better part of september and october, which confuses zilla. (LOL). thanksgiving was a great hit. we fried 2 turkeys and made a ham. I loved the fried turkey so much I want to make a fried truducken next year.
-20*F isn't as bad as people think, especially if there is no wind and that wind just about kills you. sun is low on the horizon. I always wondered how it all worked after hearing about polar nights. I love that we are living all the awesome stuff people talk about. midnight sun, polar nights, moose, aurora sightings. I kind of crack up at all those alaska reality shows on TV. granted, it IS like that. even those who don't 'homestead' are encouraged to have at least a week's worth of non perishable food. yes, cans explode so there are cases of dried foods. plug in your car. life is so different here even if you live an ordinary life. when you live the extraordinary life, there are a lot of EXTRAS.
Paul just left for a week long training exercise. every time we are apart I analyze my feelings I begin to understand the core of attachment parenting.
almost 13 years ago when we started dating, I was insecure, this was my first real relationship, I had come from a broken home, and my self esteem was at an all time low. the future I saw in me was a lonely one, where I would never get married or have kids because I wasn't worthy.
I had quirks. I wanted him to page me. I wanted him to call me. I wanted him to say I love you even if it made him uncomfortable.
he did it for me. respected those feelings and insecurities I had.
I see our relationship now and I still have those insecurities in different forms. what if I neglect my children like my mom did when she was depressed? what if I lash out at them when I get overly tired while he is gone? He reassures me that that is normal. he doesn't minimize those feelings. he buys some video games for zilla so I can have time to myself.
I feel attached to my husband who respects my feelings and when he is gone I feel it the most. a feeling I'd love my own child to experience when I am gone as well.
-20*F isn't as bad as people think, especially if there is no wind and that wind just about kills you. sun is low on the horizon. I always wondered how it all worked after hearing about polar nights. I love that we are living all the awesome stuff people talk about. midnight sun, polar nights, moose, aurora sightings. I kind of crack up at all those alaska reality shows on TV. granted, it IS like that. even those who don't 'homestead' are encouraged to have at least a week's worth of non perishable food. yes, cans explode so there are cases of dried foods. plug in your car. life is so different here even if you live an ordinary life. when you live the extraordinary life, there are a lot of EXTRAS.
Paul just left for a week long training exercise. every time we are apart I analyze my feelings I begin to understand the core of attachment parenting.
almost 13 years ago when we started dating, I was insecure, this was my first real relationship, I had come from a broken home, and my self esteem was at an all time low. the future I saw in me was a lonely one, where I would never get married or have kids because I wasn't worthy.
I had quirks. I wanted him to page me. I wanted him to call me. I wanted him to say I love you even if it made him uncomfortable.
he did it for me. respected those feelings and insecurities I had.
I see our relationship now and I still have those insecurities in different forms. what if I neglect my children like my mom did when she was depressed? what if I lash out at them when I get overly tired while he is gone? He reassures me that that is normal. he doesn't minimize those feelings. he buys some video games for zilla so I can have time to myself.
I feel attached to my husband who respects my feelings and when he is gone I feel it the most. a feeling I'd love my own child to experience when I am gone as well.
Friday, November 16, 2012
back in 1998 I auditioned for the LA junior philharmonic with my french horn and I was accepted. Gosh, I remember the audition like it was yesterday. I had to sight read a piece I had never played. there was a triplet that caught me off guard. I remember mentally saying 'sa-tur-day' as I played the notes (I'm pretty sure it was a Bflat) and freaking out. I remember getting the postcard for the callback to audition but I don't remember actually getting accepted because I know that was also the same time I was let down by being told that my mom would not be able to drive me to the practices downtown. I was so angry. finally when I was 'good' at something, the very people who told me I wasn't good enough for anything had let me down.
Its their 75th anniversary this year.
sometimes I wonder if I should go back to playing music. I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had become the member. will I have majored in music? Would I have gotten good enough to play in other orchestras? would I annoy my neighbors? would I still be a military wife?
I really want to play the trombone again. I think it was my favorite.
Its their 75th anniversary this year.
sometimes I wonder if I should go back to playing music. I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had become the member. will I have majored in music? Would I have gotten good enough to play in other orchestras? would I annoy my neighbors? would I still be a military wife?
I really want to play the trombone again. I think it was my favorite.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
october so far...
WiP: pinwheel sweater for bean. I found worsted cotton 75% off at fred meyers in purple and blues. WOOT.
halloween costume for zilla completed! He is going to be Jake from the Neverland Pirates. He wore the costume today while watching the show. I drafted my own vest with the collar. not perfect but it was pretty fun. edging.... sigh! I used satin blanket trim. BIG mistake. the edging took longer than the whole costume due to using the most slippery fabric known to sewing kind? LOL! it worked out in the end. it looks fantastic.
bean will be a pirate. I found zilla's first halloween costume! I am going to make a tulle tutu for it in red and black.
pumpkins still need to be carved which will probably be done this weekend.
SNOW! it snowed for 3 days straight. the snow pack has formed and gravel has been laid in parking lots everywhere. It is pretty exciting and scary at the same time.
bean stood up on her own today. walking is imminent! she looked to excited to do it.
Tomorrow we'll be heading to pioneer park for a family trick or treat event. a little scared? not of the ghouls but of the cold. thinking about posting pictures here when I finally figure it out. lol.
halloween costume for zilla completed! He is going to be Jake from the Neverland Pirates. He wore the costume today while watching the show. I drafted my own vest with the collar. not perfect but it was pretty fun. edging.... sigh! I used satin blanket trim. BIG mistake. the edging took longer than the whole costume due to using the most slippery fabric known to sewing kind? LOL! it worked out in the end. it looks fantastic.
bean will be a pirate. I found zilla's first halloween costume! I am going to make a tulle tutu for it in red and black.
pumpkins still need to be carved which will probably be done this weekend.
SNOW! it snowed for 3 days straight. the snow pack has formed and gravel has been laid in parking lots everywhere. It is pretty exciting and scary at the same time.
bean stood up on her own today. walking is imminent! she looked to excited to do it.
Tomorrow we'll be heading to pioneer park for a family trick or treat event. a little scared? not of the ghouls but of the cold. thinking about posting pictures here when I finally figure it out. lol.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
どうしよ～～～～～
I'm doing some freelance Japanese fact checking and this is all freaking me out. first of all, I know that I would never be a journalist (haha). second of all, when I am in an english speaking environment, I will freak out in Japanese. when it is in a Japanese speaking environment, it'll be in english (LOL).
I really have to brush up on my Japanese. I am really losing the skill.
I really have to brush up on my Japanese. I am really losing the skill.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
the neighbor's kid is crying. I don't know the child but I can hear him/her through the wall. no one is coming to help.
I just put zilla and bean to bed. I couldn't stand it anymore and came downstairs.
Its not because I am against crying it out. its because the very fiber of my being is telling me that I need to hold that child, hulk smash the wall so I can pick the child up and tell him/her that everything will be ok now.
my heart is aching.
I just put zilla and bean to bed. I couldn't stand it anymore and came downstairs.
Its not because I am against crying it out. its because the very fiber of my being is telling me that I need to hold that child, hulk smash the wall so I can pick the child up and tell him/her that everything will be ok now.
my heart is aching.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
fall rut
its fall.
my friend mentioned that in colorado, summer ends and begins on fourth of july. (ha!) there is the more traditional summer begins on memorial day and ends on labor day. it can't be true enough here in fairbanks! while the rest of the country was sweltering in the heat (our property management company called to tell us the A/C in our condo wasn't working), its 50 degrees here and the kids now have sweatshirts and jackets on. the weather did do a turn around labor day weekend! the clouds aren't going away at all.
another thing is, being my first winter here, I'm 'falling' in to a rut. its scary to think that winter will last until next april. its scary to think that katie may need dog shoes just to go poop/pee outside. its scary to think how much TV zilla would be watching (this rut is causing him to watch more TV as I mentally zone out : /). its scary to think that there are not a lot of choices when it comes to winter footwear for the kids' growing feet. its scary to think that I must be vigilant about mittens and hats so they don't get frostbitten.
in all, I think the winter will go by really fast though. supposedly at around -20*F the city shuts down so I hope that paul will be home so he can cuddle and hang out with us. I can't wait to see more auroras this winter and all the cool winter activities that fairbanks will be hosting. heck, maybe i'll look in to finally learning how to snowboard!
my friend mentioned that in colorado, summer ends and begins on fourth of july. (ha!) there is the more traditional summer begins on memorial day and ends on labor day. it can't be true enough here in fairbanks! while the rest of the country was sweltering in the heat (our property management company called to tell us the A/C in our condo wasn't working), its 50 degrees here and the kids now have sweatshirts and jackets on. the weather did do a turn around labor day weekend! the clouds aren't going away at all.
another thing is, being my first winter here, I'm 'falling' in to a rut. its scary to think that winter will last until next april. its scary to think that katie may need dog shoes just to go poop/pee outside. its scary to think how much TV zilla would be watching (this rut is causing him to watch more TV as I mentally zone out : /). its scary to think that there are not a lot of choices when it comes to winter footwear for the kids' growing feet. its scary to think that I must be vigilant about mittens and hats so they don't get frostbitten.
in all, I think the winter will go by really fast though. supposedly at around -20*F the city shuts down so I hope that paul will be home so he can cuddle and hang out with us. I can't wait to see more auroras this winter and all the cool winter activities that fairbanks will be hosting. heck, maybe i'll look in to finally learning how to snowboard!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
a light.
I was not even awake to enjoy this momentous occasion that occurred last night.
zilla went to sleep without nursing, in his bed, and did not wake up until morning.
I fell asleep while putting bean to sleep. when my husband came to bed, it was too quiet. usually he is calling/crying/whining for me. I didn't hear anything.
"is he asleep?" I asked.
"yep." my husband whispered. "he just looked really tired and he fell asleep on the couch."
"did he call for me?"
"nope. not really."
"mhm."
I had been looking forward to this day for... at least a year. as my friend's children began to self wean themselves at two and a half. I was pregnant and I wanted for him to wean. maybe my milk drying up would do it. nope. he wailed for milk. a month went by, another child of a friend of mine self weaned, but not my kid. another month passed. Tandem nursing loomed in front of me. when zilla was two and eight months old, bean was born. my milk came in and he was even MORE insistent on nursing. with the emotional roller coaster that ensued, I hated nursing him, then I loved to nurse him. I wanted it to be over, then I wanted it to continue. there was a lot of tears, screaming, yelling. There was a lot of , love, cuddling, and bedsharing. through all that, one thought that loomed over my head constantly was 'when will this be over??'.
yet here I am feeling sad.
my zilla is growing up.
zilla went to sleep without nursing, in his bed, and did not wake up until morning.
I fell asleep while putting bean to sleep. when my husband came to bed, it was too quiet. usually he is calling/crying/whining for me. I didn't hear anything.
"is he asleep?" I asked.
"yep." my husband whispered. "he just looked really tired and he fell asleep on the couch."
"did he call for me?"
"nope. not really."
"mhm."
I had been looking forward to this day for... at least a year. as my friend's children began to self wean themselves at two and a half. I was pregnant and I wanted for him to wean. maybe my milk drying up would do it. nope. he wailed for milk. a month went by, another child of a friend of mine self weaned, but not my kid. another month passed. Tandem nursing loomed in front of me. when zilla was two and eight months old, bean was born. my milk came in and he was even MORE insistent on nursing. with the emotional roller coaster that ensued, I hated nursing him, then I loved to nurse him. I wanted it to be over, then I wanted it to continue. there was a lot of tears, screaming, yelling. There was a lot of , love, cuddling, and bedsharing. through all that, one thought that loomed over my head constantly was 'when will this be over??'.
yet here I am feeling sad.
my zilla is growing up.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
so I had been getting better at the 'blogging' thing then not so much.
myka turned 9 months old. she has 2 bottom teeth and that's it. I thought she was teething but she got a case of roseola instead. She loves to stand and cruise. She loves to bother her brother. even if he is sleeping.
speaking of brother, jake started sleeping through the night in his bed. this has significantly improved my sleep. I'm telling people, it WILL get better. it may take longer than you thought, but it will.
its already been 5 months since we moved here. time is going by too fast! now I have to say that we only have a year and a half left here in alaska :(
myka turned 9 months old. she has 2 bottom teeth and that's it. I thought she was teething but she got a case of roseola instead. She loves to stand and cruise. She loves to bother her brother. even if he is sleeping.
speaking of brother, jake started sleeping through the night in his bed. this has significantly improved my sleep. I'm telling people, it WILL get better. it may take longer than you thought, but it will.
its already been 5 months since we moved here. time is going by too fast! now I have to say that we only have a year and a half left here in alaska :(
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Road to becoming an IBCLC
speaking of purpose, I've decided 'officially' to go for my IBCLC certification.
no, this is not my true calling - or at least it doesn't feel like it, but I love helping people reach breastfeeding success. I figure I'll do it so I can reach people on a professional level.
no, this is not my true calling - or at least it doesn't feel like it, but I love helping people reach breastfeeding success. I figure I'll do it so I can reach people on a professional level.
Friday, July 27, 2012
sad.
I am sad. I feel like the world is so... different from how I see it.
I don't agree with anyone. I don't really disagree either. I feel lost as where my place in the world is. I want something that I am completely confident in.
Of course I know my family's love is a given. That's not really what I am talking about. I guess, I'm talking about faith? belief? that is something different than my family's love which I KNOW exists. I feel like I am grasping at air when there should be something there.
I keep looking for something tangible. In what form? something worth living for that isn't my husband or my kids. Why do I feel this emptiness? Why do I keep looking for something to fill it? Yet why do I keep refusing to surrender and be passionate about something? What is holding me back? I'm still looking for an answer. to what? I don't know. To life? I know that isn't attainable. Life is a mystery.
everything has another objective view that I see. I find it that is a good thing and a bad thing.
I don't have a firm belief in anything. social issues, religion, anything. I don't even have my own style. my hair hasn't been cut for 2 years not because I like it long, but because I'm scared. I'm scared that people might see someone other than who I am.
That makes me so sad.
I want a purpose other than raising my kids, taking care of my husband, and being myself.
I guess this is what happens at 3am.
I don't agree with anyone. I don't really disagree either. I feel lost as where my place in the world is. I want something that I am completely confident in.
Of course I know my family's love is a given. That's not really what I am talking about. I guess, I'm talking about faith? belief? that is something different than my family's love which I KNOW exists. I feel like I am grasping at air when there should be something there.
I keep looking for something tangible. In what form? something worth living for that isn't my husband or my kids. Why do I feel this emptiness? Why do I keep looking for something to fill it? Yet why do I keep refusing to surrender and be passionate about something? What is holding me back? I'm still looking for an answer. to what? I don't know. To life? I know that isn't attainable. Life is a mystery.
everything has another objective view that I see. I find it that is a good thing and a bad thing.
I don't have a firm belief in anything. social issues, religion, anything. I don't even have my own style. my hair hasn't been cut for 2 years not because I like it long, but because I'm scared. I'm scared that people might see someone other than who I am.
That makes me so sad.
I want a purpose other than raising my kids, taking care of my husband, and being myself.
I guess this is what happens at 3am.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
what to expect at chez yoshi
the house is messy.
children are messy.
the kitchen is messy.
the dog is clean, 75% of the time.
no you don't need to take your shoes off because we are asian. if you want to though, we can send ninjas to steal them off your feet.
if you did not call ahead, you get the no bra treatment... pants are usually on.
if you did not call ahead, you get the naked toddler treatment... underwear is usually on (rule subject to change)
what was that smell? its the dog.
the dog was outside? then don't ask.
you are all welcome to stop by. I always have a cup of tea on hand.
we're asians, duh.
children are messy.
the kitchen is messy.
the dog is clean, 75% of the time.
no you don't need to take your shoes off because we are asian. if you want to though, we can send ninjas to steal them off your feet.
if you did not call ahead, you get the no bra treatment... pants are usually on.
if you did not call ahead, you get the naked toddler treatment... underwear is usually on (rule subject to change)
what was that smell? its the dog.
the dog was outside? then don't ask.
you are all welcome to stop by. I always have a cup of tea on hand.
we're asians, duh.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I've been angry.
I don't know why.
Its the smallest things that trigger it.
I am sorry zilla.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you don't sleep. You don't sleep because you want a hug from mama that she won't give to you.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you need a potty seat to go potty. You got upset because mama was too angry and lazy to go get it from downstairs.
Mama is scared. She is scared that there might be something terribly wrong - but Mama and Dada is trying to figure it out. We are trying to figure it out because we love you zilla. Once we figure it out you won't have to be scared. Mama will hug you when you need it. Mama will hug you to sleep. Mama will go get the potty seat for you when she realizes its downstairs.
It will take time zilla, but we will make it better.
We love you bud.
I might be showing symptoms of late onset PPD. it creeps up on me when the babies need me the most. We are working through the feelings.
I don't know why.
Its the smallest things that trigger it.
I am sorry zilla.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you don't sleep. You don't sleep because you want a hug from mama that she won't give to you.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you need a potty seat to go potty. You got upset because mama was too angry and lazy to go get it from downstairs.
Mama is scared. She is scared that there might be something terribly wrong - but Mama and Dada is trying to figure it out. We are trying to figure it out because we love you zilla. Once we figure it out you won't have to be scared. Mama will hug you when you need it. Mama will hug you to sleep. Mama will go get the potty seat for you when she realizes its downstairs.
It will take time zilla, but we will make it better.
We love you bud.
I might be showing symptoms of late onset PPD. it creeps up on me when the babies need me the most. We are working through the feelings.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
july 2012
miss bean is 8 months old today. whaaaa? the last 2 months (since we moved in to the new house) she's started to roll back to tummy, army crawling (when she wants to be there quickly), crawling (exploring), pulling up, climbing stairs (!), cruising, standing with assistance, sitting up without assistance, getting in to sitting position from neutral, and putting everything and anything in her mouth (especially paper!). She likes to get in to brother's business, she 'wants' what brother has (and it can't be anything else) and she cries if we don't let her get her way (uh oh!). she has only two bottom teeth. She isn't too fond of eating (weird!) solids (yet, she'll eat paper). she loves mama's milk the most.
zilla is already a third of the way over with being three years old. he is glad to have all his toys back. he is an absolute extrovert like his mama (now that he can communicate!). In his spare time he loves acting out wonderpets episodes, jumping on the trampoline, and playing the Wii and xbox (its genetic).
zilla is already a third of the way over with being three years old. he is glad to have all his toys back. he is an absolute extrovert like his mama (now that he can communicate!). In his spare time he loves acting out wonderpets episodes, jumping on the trampoline, and playing the Wii and xbox (its genetic).
Friday, June 29, 2012
this poem came to my mind while I was nursing myka. a lady in the plant department asked her how old she was and I almost said "four months old". I don't really know why but of course she is not 4 months old. that was 4 months ago. she will be 8 months old july 12th.
I was also thinking about how most people have stopped nursing at this point for one reason for another. I think about those who have been told 6 months is long enough. I look at my baby and I just can't comprehend that. She is still a baby in my mind, and babies nurse. I just can't comprehend how 5 months and 20 odd some days is different from 6 months and 3 or 4 days.
Its kind of the same thing as I don't consider a 17 and 355 days old any different than a 18 year old. sure, the implication of laws might be different, but still you are as mature or immature as you were the day before you turned 18. heck I still know 30 somethings still immature as some 17 and 355 day olds.
I remember when I started nursing that I had voiced my concern at an LLL meeting. My husband wasn't sure about nursing past one. still hold on to what kris had told me that day. wait till your baby is one year old. you won't believe how 'baby' your one year old will be.
she was so right.
my three year old is still my baby. till I hand him the car keys I guess. :)
I was also thinking about how most people have stopped nursing at this point for one reason for another. I think about those who have been told 6 months is long enough. I look at my baby and I just can't comprehend that. She is still a baby in my mind, and babies nurse. I just can't comprehend how 5 months and 20 odd some days is different from 6 months and 3 or 4 days.
Its kind of the same thing as I don't consider a 17 and 355 days old any different than a 18 year old. sure, the implication of laws might be different, but still you are as mature or immature as you were the day before you turned 18. heck I still know 30 somethings still immature as some 17 and 355 day olds.
I remember when I started nursing that I had voiced my concern at an LLL meeting. My husband wasn't sure about nursing past one. still hold on to what kris had told me that day. wait till your baby is one year old. you won't believe how 'baby' your one year old will be.
she was so right.
my three year old is still my baby. till I hand him the car keys I guess. :)
Thursday, June 28, 2012
normal-ish but never the normal life
paul is doing the 9-5 ish thing (not counting pt), and I'm just at home doing my thing, cleaning, cooking, raising the littles... as a military family it kind of weirds me out that sometimes people settle and do this for 20 years ~ 40 years. I can't even see 2 years in to our future. when paul's tour in alaska is over who knows were we'd end up. so surreal. When people look for their dream house to spend their whole life in, we look for a rentable place in case we have to move (which we did), we still dream about where we would end up when he retires or ETSs, but we also dream about where our next duty station could be (hawaii? back to colorado? stay in alaska?). I can't imagine settling somewhere for 15 years, I love the traveling opportunities the army has given us.
so back to 'normal' as our normal life could be.
so back to 'normal' as our normal life could be.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
teaching and learning
we were playing. zilla was hitting me with a lego laser. we were rough housing and he hit me with the laser instead. I could've yelled at him not to do that. it *actually* hurt so I didn't even have a chance to say anything before actual tears came out of my eyes.
then he started laughing.
At this point I didn't know what to think. Oh noes. where have I gone wrong? the boy thought it was funny that he hurt me. what am I to do different? I sat there crying. He just kept laughing but it changed once he get the idea that I wasn't joking,
Mama was hurt.
I didn't ask him to say sorry so he didn't say sorry. I didn't ask him to kiss where it hurt so he didn't kiss my boo boo.
What he did afterwards was he played gently. I didn't even have to ask him to.
then he started laughing.
At this point I didn't know what to think. Oh noes. where have I gone wrong? the boy thought it was funny that he hurt me. what am I to do different? I sat there crying. He just kept laughing but it changed once he get the idea that I wasn't joking,
Mama was hurt.
I didn't ask him to say sorry so he didn't say sorry. I didn't ask him to kiss where it hurt so he didn't kiss my boo boo.
What he did afterwards was he played gently. I didn't even have to ask him to.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
the boys are gone
boys have gone to homer to go halibut fishing. its a 10 hour drive and paul, a friend of his, and his brother left about an hour ago. its about time my husband went out to do something without me.
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE his company. he was first and foremost my best guy friend. becoming a military family and having kids have strengthened our relationship even further. This man though, doesn't get out much without family. I don't mean to complain but I worry. The kids are still small. The deal was for zilla to come out on the boat with him. they didn't recommend kids younger than 6 on the boat (which I could've guessed, but *I* had to call.). He asked me if zilla could come along as an observer. it would cost us 110 dollars on an all day boat.
errr. no thank you.
I feel like he might be missing out on some things in life - that he might lets things slide. I know for him, its not like that. When he is with family, he is happiest.
one of my biggest regrets in life is not going to the prom with paul. someone had mentioned that if that was one of my regrets in life, I've lead a pretty good life (haha) but missing prom isn't what I regret. That night I chose my family over prom because i felt like it was the right thing to do. My stepfather had died and we were in sort of mourning mode. it didn't feel right for me to go. at the time the feeling was right. now, I wish I had that one extra memory of going. I have plenty of other memories of staying home and being with family because that's what I did the other days of the year. I want him to have memories of going halibut fishing with his friend and brother, because he has plenty of memories of us.
Besides, how else can I watch the view without moans and groans?
Don't get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE his company. he was first and foremost my best guy friend. becoming a military family and having kids have strengthened our relationship even further. This man though, doesn't get out much without family. I don't mean to complain but I worry. The kids are still small. The deal was for zilla to come out on the boat with him. they didn't recommend kids younger than 6 on the boat (which I could've guessed, but *I* had to call.). He asked me if zilla could come along as an observer. it would cost us 110 dollars on an all day boat.
errr. no thank you.
I feel like he might be missing out on some things in life - that he might lets things slide. I know for him, its not like that. When he is with family, he is happiest.
one of my biggest regrets in life is not going to the prom with paul. someone had mentioned that if that was one of my regrets in life, I've lead a pretty good life (haha) but missing prom isn't what I regret. That night I chose my family over prom because i felt like it was the right thing to do. My stepfather had died and we were in sort of mourning mode. it didn't feel right for me to go. at the time the feeling was right. now, I wish I had that one extra memory of going. I have plenty of other memories of staying home and being with family because that's what I did the other days of the year. I want him to have memories of going halibut fishing with his friend and brother, because he has plenty of memories of us.
Besides, how else can I watch the view without moans and groans?
Friday, June 15, 2012
growing up in the city, coming home to the country
we went back to los angeles for a week to see our parents and family. it was a very interesting trip. Living in fairbanks, I thought I would welcome the hustle bustle of city life - let alone the authentic ethnic variety available. All I wanted was to go 'home'.
Back to fairbanks.
I learned what it felt like to be that 'overwhelmed' toddler. I was angry and lashing out. It was weird because at first I didn't even realize I was acting that way. I lashed out at Jake. I lashed out at my husband. I yelled, "I don't even know why I feel this way!!!". I reflected. I hated being here. in the city. I sobbed. I felt better.
It was an eye opening experience.
Even hesperia was too crowded. Too traffic-y. Too people-y. Too cit-y. Paul actually agreed with me. I would ask him if he would ever come back here to southern california, and he would always come back with comments like "well, I like the beach" or "well I know, but this is my home". This time around he would say things like "its too crowded here" or "I know why people love fairbanks, and stay in fairbanks. only if they had a best buy. I still need my technology." We are simple country folk who love best buy, I guess. Who would've thought. There is even talk about buying something here 'just for the summer'. sounds like a good idea. LOL.
Still it was nice to visit family. Jake had a blast. There was the usual drama too (duh?). we had fun in the city.
then came 'home' to the country.
Back to fairbanks.
I learned what it felt like to be that 'overwhelmed' toddler. I was angry and lashing out. It was weird because at first I didn't even realize I was acting that way. I lashed out at Jake. I lashed out at my husband. I yelled, "I don't even know why I feel this way!!!". I reflected. I hated being here. in the city. I sobbed. I felt better.
It was an eye opening experience.
Even hesperia was too crowded. Too traffic-y. Too people-y. Too cit-y. Paul actually agreed with me. I would ask him if he would ever come back here to southern california, and he would always come back with comments like "well, I like the beach" or "well I know, but this is my home". This time around he would say things like "its too crowded here" or "I know why people love fairbanks, and stay in fairbanks. only if they had a best buy. I still need my technology." We are simple country folk who love best buy, I guess. Who would've thought. There is even talk about buying something here 'just for the summer'. sounds like a good idea. LOL.
Still it was nice to visit family. Jake had a blast. There was the usual drama too (duh?). we had fun in the city.
then came 'home' to the country.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Diablo 3 has...
not taken over my life - yet.
its oddly busy here. it always seems to be when paul is around. I don't have my morning tea with my daytime TV favorites to relax and do, nothing.
I have some jacob wool on my wheel right now. tired of spinning merino, corridale, and the usual stuff so I went over to a weaver's yarn and bought some of it to spin some dryer balls - but the project seems to have taken another turn. the fibers remind me of birch trees which are turning splendid green right now here, so I've decided to go a step further inspired by intertwined and spin some art yarn reminiscent of the trees. depending on how they turn out I am also thinking about entering it in the fair. Its currently thick thin. I'm wondering whether to shred green _______ for the 'leaves' or spin some nubs (again, inspired by intertwined) to ply together with thread.
not taken over my life - yet.
its oddly busy here. it always seems to be when paul is around. I don't have my morning tea with my daytime TV favorites to relax and do, nothing.
I have some jacob wool on my wheel right now. tired of spinning merino, corridale, and the usual stuff so I went over to a weaver's yarn and bought some of it to spin some dryer balls - but the project seems to have taken another turn. the fibers remind me of birch trees which are turning splendid green right now here, so I've decided to go a step further inspired by intertwined and spin some art yarn reminiscent of the trees. depending on how they turn out I am also thinking about entering it in the fair. Its currently thick thin. I'm wondering whether to shred green _______ for the 'leaves' or spin some nubs (again, inspired by intertwined) to ply together with thread.
Friday, May 25, 2012
30 days
leave has started. we'll be in california from the 5th of june. john will be coming, beers will be drunk, fish will be fished, possibility of caribou being hunted. and it will end so quickly, there will be much sadness.
Friday, May 18, 2012
afterthoughts.
I am glad all the positive responses my previous post. thanks to jamie from iamnothebabysitter.com for linking on her blog facebook page. I hope that it will change people's perception of extended nursing in positive ways!
Some have commented how it must be hard for me to breastfeeding my babies.
I remembered memories I had hidden for a long time. I thought I'd share them for those who maybe going through something similar. sexual abuse is devastating and has long term effects no matter how it happens. For me the healing process has happened over 15 years and with a friend/boyfriend/husband who is literally a saint - a process still on going now, wrestling with emotions relating with my daughter as well.
I remembered one point in my life I felt so alone and so broken that having someone to share my life with wasn't even on my radar let alone having kids. I felt like I was some sort of discarded piece of furniture. the burden that was put upon me was too great and I didn't think it would be fair to share that burden with someone I loved.
Then I remembered feeling uncomfortable one night while I was with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (TBNH). It did have to do with my breasts. It did have to do with my abuse. It was already a few years in to our relationship and I knew this man was the one who I was going to marry and have kids with, so naturally it became about breastfeeding too. For me it was so normalized, formula feeding didn't even enter my mind at the time - but I wondered how I would do it when I couldn't even surrender them to the man I truly loved and who loved me in return.
Then I remembered the day I told my TBNH what had happened. It was in the car at a bowling alley. I cried. I was so afraid of what was going to happen now that I had shared the burden. would he see me the same? what if he was turned on by them? my breasts were still ruling my emotions.
At this point I was crying in my bed looking at my daughter who was playing happily on the floor. Then I remembered that I would think about my mother breastfeeding my brother and sisters. Breasts- They aren't just sexual things that you take and discard. they nurture too. they comfort. What my abuse took away didn't seem to matter because I knew in my heart what they were truly meant for.
Then I remembered the first time my son nursed. for once in my life my breasts were doing what it was meant to be - it wasn't some sort of pawn in a world of distrust, lust, and anger. It was so freeing!
We've been married 6 years now and my husband is very much a boob man as much as our son is and that's ok. :)
the memory of my mother nursing has saved me numerous times. If you don't have such memories of your mother - listen. For your breasts to be doing what it was supposed to be - its nothing to be afraid of. Don't let thoughts that would try to convince otherwise consume you.
My family is very supportive of breastfeeding and so I always felt like I had to help others who lacked support - but I've finally realized how my mother breastfeeding in front of me has affected ME so profoundly in other ways.
Some have commented how it must be hard for me to breastfeeding my babies.
I remembered memories I had hidden for a long time. I thought I'd share them for those who maybe going through something similar. sexual abuse is devastating and has long term effects no matter how it happens. For me the healing process has happened over 15 years and with a friend/boyfriend/husband who is literally a saint - a process still on going now, wrestling with emotions relating with my daughter as well.
I remembered one point in my life I felt so alone and so broken that having someone to share my life with wasn't even on my radar let alone having kids. I felt like I was some sort of discarded piece of furniture. the burden that was put upon me was too great and I didn't think it would be fair to share that burden with someone I loved.
Then I remembered feeling uncomfortable one night while I was with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (TBNH). It did have to do with my breasts. It did have to do with my abuse. It was already a few years in to our relationship and I knew this man was the one who I was going to marry and have kids with, so naturally it became about breastfeeding too. For me it was so normalized, formula feeding didn't even enter my mind at the time - but I wondered how I would do it when I couldn't even surrender them to the man I truly loved and who loved me in return.
Then I remembered the day I told my TBNH what had happened. It was in the car at a bowling alley. I cried. I was so afraid of what was going to happen now that I had shared the burden. would he see me the same? what if he was turned on by them? my breasts were still ruling my emotions.
At this point I was crying in my bed looking at my daughter who was playing happily on the floor. Then I remembered that I would think about my mother breastfeeding my brother and sisters. Breasts- They aren't just sexual things that you take and discard. they nurture too. they comfort. What my abuse took away didn't seem to matter because I knew in my heart what they were truly meant for.
Then I remembered the first time my son nursed. for once in my life my breasts were doing what it was meant to be - it wasn't some sort of pawn in a world of distrust, lust, and anger. It was so freeing!
We've been married 6 years now and my husband is very much a boob man as much as our son is and that's ok. :)
the memory of my mother nursing has saved me numerous times. If you don't have such memories of your mother - listen. For your breasts to be doing what it was supposed to be - its nothing to be afraid of. Don't let thoughts that would try to convince otherwise consume you.
My family is very supportive of breastfeeding and so I always felt like I had to help others who lacked support - but I've finally realized how my mother breastfeeding in front of me has affected ME so profoundly in other ways.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
a very personal story.
All the hoopla about the extended breastfeeding picture compelled me to share my story.
I have 2 sisters and a brother. they were both extended breastfed - some longer than others. They were all born after I turned eight, so there was a lot of breastfeeding going around me. It was simply natural. My sisters and brother looked happy and comforted in my mother's arms. they bedshared and we eventually bedshared in our 2 bedroom condo (lets just add we can all sleep by ourselves in the dark LOL)
when I was 14 years old I was sexually abused. I remember the feeling of shame, embarrassment, guilt, anger and hate towards who did it like it was yesterday. I even tried to commit suicide once by putting 5 morphine patches on my thigh hoping I'd fall asleep and never wake up. All it did was make me sick and I stayed home the next day.
Now fast forward 15 years. I am 30. I am tandem nursing a 3 year old and a 6 month old. to me, its normal. I grew up with it. My son smiles when I hold him close. His sister smiles at HIM mostly (haha). I see my son smile at his sister as they share cuddles with mom. sometimes he holds hands, sometimes he strokes her hair. I stroke their hair. my son tells me mom, dad, boboobs, and sister make him happy (in that order - but ice cream and candy doesn't, HA!). everything is alright in their world when they nurse.
nothing was right on the day I was molested.
so when I read things like 'you're molesting your child if you are extend breastfeeding', I'm honestly more confused than shocked. I know exactly what both of these things feel like. My brother and sisters never felt shame, anger, or guilt. none of those things. they never felt violated. they never felt like they had to commit suicide. If extended breastfeeding made my children feel that way of course I wouldn't do it - but when I see my son when he nurses, he is happy. in his confusing world (we are military and my husband deployed twice already in his 3 year life, as well as gained a sister, moved five times, lived in a hotel for a month at a time), his constant has been mama and boboob. When I nurse him and contribute to his comfort from his confusing world, I am glad I am there for him.
When I started nursing I never thought I would be 'that mom'. honestly, I don't think any mom does. Now I am 'that mom'. I know people are entitled to their opinion - but not ignorance! "extended nursing isn't for me, nor do I feel like is right for a mom to nurse past X year" (opinion) is clearly different from "nursing a three year old? that is clearly child molestation!" (ignorance) equating two things you clearly have no clue about and telling me who I am. I'm not saying that everyone should extend breastfeed. I don't even mind if you don't - or won't nurse. its your decision. It is also my choice to nurse my three year old because its NOT child molestation.
I know what that feels like and it definitely isn't this.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
alaska life
its not as cold as you think.
seriously.
we've hit mudboot season though when everything is frozen (yuck) or muddy (yay for muddy puddles!). there are still days that are below freezing during the day like today. its supposed to be 40 today.
i actually like it when the air is cold on your cheeks and so crisp when you breath in.
ahhhh.....
seriously.
we've hit mudboot season though when everything is frozen (yuck) or muddy (yay for muddy puddles!). there are still days that are below freezing during the day like today. its supposed to be 40 today.
i actually like it when the air is cold on your cheeks and so crisp when you breath in.
ahhhh.....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
settling in and out
PAUL is home... yea a little late. he was home march 29th but its already april 4th...
I don't know if its because of the way I look at life now but everyday is going by REALLY FAST. insanely fast. I sign up for things to do and all of a sudden its 3 days after that date and I feel like its still coming up soon. (whoops) I don't know what is going on. I don't want the days to go by this fast, especially now that paul is home.
I don't know if its because of the way I look at life now but everyday is going by REALLY FAST. insanely fast. I sign up for things to do and all of a sudden its 3 days after that date and I feel like its still coming up soon. (whoops) I don't know what is going on. I don't want the days to go by this fast, especially now that paul is home.
Monday, March 26, 2012
march madness
is upon us. its not in a form of an NCAA bracket.
we are settling in as best as we can here in the hotel. jake is bouncing off the walls, myka can't sleep, and I haven't had a bite of brown rice since we left LA. I sort of miss it. I braved -10 degree weather and it wasn't too bad. I really like it here. I don't exactly know why.
today ended the original 'window of dates' that paul was supposed to come home. well, he hasn't come home yet. not that this is anything new. I'm happy that he is flying in with the first main body.
we are settling in as best as we can here in the hotel. jake is bouncing off the walls, myka can't sleep, and I haven't had a bite of brown rice since we left LA. I sort of miss it. I braved -10 degree weather and it wasn't too bad. I really like it here. I don't exactly know why.
today ended the original 'window of dates' that paul was supposed to come home. well, he hasn't come home yet. not that this is anything new. I'm happy that he is flying in with the first main body.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
everything
is crashing down in the month of march. its sort of a time of change, from winter to warmer weathers, the brown of winter turns green, and
Mbean got her first cold.
Jzilla will turn three.
we are moving back to alaska.
Jzilla and Mbean are sick the week we have to move.
deployment is ending.
its still freezing winter in alaska.
its nice and warm in southern california. (sigh)
Mbean got her first cold.
Jzilla will turn three.
we are moving back to alaska.
Jzilla and Mbean are sick the week we have to move.
deployment is ending.
its still freezing winter in alaska.
its nice and warm in southern california. (sigh)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
my dearest bean,
you are approaching 4 months old and this has been on your mama's mind since the day I held you for the first time. you see, before you were born I didn't think I want a baby girl until the day I went to your brother's ultrasound. I was happy but I didn't feel complete. That's when I realized that deep in my heart I wanted a baby girl but didn't want to admit it. I was afraid. I was afraid of because of the way I grew up. I was not happy being a girl and I felt like if I was a boy I wouldn't have had to feel the way I did. There were a lot of influences around me that made me unhappy of how I acted, what I liked, and how I looked. as an adult it still affected me. I didn't want anyone to feel that way, especially my own baby girl.
flash forward 2 years later. I went to the ultrasound to find out if you were a girl or a boy. In my mind I was still afraid of having a baby girl. I called you 'he' at the end of the ultrasound and the tech asked me how do I know? I just laughed. I didn't know. I was just afraid that you would be the girl I always wanted. later that night your dad and I opened the envelope that held that picture of you inside of me. you were a GIRL! I laughed because I was so so so happy but I cried because my fears were coming true. How will I raise you the right way as a confident girl? how would I teach you how to love yourself for who you are?
5 months later my questions were answered, so simply and so profoundly. As I pulled you up from the birthing pool, the answer was there. Your face was brimming with confidence and beauty. I realized you already knew what I thought I would have a hard time teaching you! in fact, you taught me an invaluable lesson in those few first minutes. You looked just like me, yet I saw this inner confidence in you that I didn't have. I realized at that moment that I must have been born with it too, but I had lost it along the way. I found it in you. My fears were dashed in those first few moments that I held you.
already teaching your mama a few things eh bean?
nothing will stop you bean, from becoming whoever you want to be. You are beautiful on the inside and out and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how do I know? I've seen it since the moment you were born. Do not let anyone take away what you were born with. If you ever feel like you lost it, I hope you find it in this letter.
with much love,
your mama.
this is the very moment I learned my invaluable lesson in who I truly was.
flash forward 2 years later. I went to the ultrasound to find out if you were a girl or a boy. In my mind I was still afraid of having a baby girl. I called you 'he' at the end of the ultrasound and the tech asked me how do I know? I just laughed. I didn't know. I was just afraid that you would be the girl I always wanted. later that night your dad and I opened the envelope that held that picture of you inside of me. you were a GIRL! I laughed because I was so so so happy but I cried because my fears were coming true. How will I raise you the right way as a confident girl? how would I teach you how to love yourself for who you are?
5 months later my questions were answered, so simply and so profoundly. As I pulled you up from the birthing pool, the answer was there. Your face was brimming with confidence and beauty. I realized you already knew what I thought I would have a hard time teaching you! in fact, you taught me an invaluable lesson in those few first minutes. You looked just like me, yet I saw this inner confidence in you that I didn't have. I realized at that moment that I must have been born with it too, but I had lost it along the way. I found it in you. My fears were dashed in those first few moments that I held you.
already teaching your mama a few things eh bean?
nothing will stop you bean, from becoming whoever you want to be. You are beautiful on the inside and out and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how do I know? I've seen it since the moment you were born. Do not let anyone take away what you were born with. If you ever feel like you lost it, I hope you find it in this letter.
with much love,
your mama.
this is the very moment I learned my invaluable lesson in who I truly was.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
sometimes people will look at you and say, "you're still nursing your child?". You might feel a little taken aback, a little shame, and a little doubt. You might feel like you are doing something wrong, especially if you hear a family member or someone close to you make a statement like that. You might think to yourself, am I doing the right thing? What I am doing, is this... NORMAL?
What has been my normal?
My grandfather bought me a papaya when I was having low milk supply because that's what they do in Okinawa.
My grandmother's friend commented on how nice it is to nurse past one year.
My father's girlfriend didn't bat an eye when I nursed my 2.5 year old when he was sick.
She also told me that her daughter's OB pressures moms to nurse their children as long as they want.
My mother nursed all 4 of us - I saw her nurse my younger siblings everywhere and anywhere.
My aunt asked my son (3 years old) if he wanted to nurse like my daughter when he was fussy. She was honestly asking,
My sister is shocked how stigmatizing breastfeeding is because it's so normal to her.
My brother (who is quite conservative when it comes to girls being raised by three sisters, haha.) has no problems when I nurse in front of him because a baby's got to eat. If (and hardly ever) he feels uncomfortable, he goes and does something else.
No one objects when I openly nurse my daughter at the table, not my Uncle, Aunt, Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Husband, even my Stepmother in law.
No one has ever asked me when I was going to stop nursing.
These things are what my family considers NORMAL.
Next time you might ask yourself if what you are doing is 'normal', remember, normalcy is relative (no pun intended). somewhere out there, there is a place where no one stigmatizes breastfeeding. what you do today and tomorrow is helping our sons, daughters, grandsons and granddaughters be breastfed with out the stigma, shame, and doubt people seem to have today.
What has been my normal?
My grandfather bought me a papaya when I was having low milk supply because that's what they do in Okinawa.
My grandmother's friend commented on how nice it is to nurse past one year.
My father's girlfriend didn't bat an eye when I nursed my 2.5 year old when he was sick.
She also told me that her daughter's OB pressures moms to nurse their children as long as they want.
My mother nursed all 4 of us - I saw her nurse my younger siblings everywhere and anywhere.
My aunt asked my son (3 years old) if he wanted to nurse like my daughter when he was fussy. She was honestly asking,
My sister is shocked how stigmatizing breastfeeding is because it's so normal to her.
My brother (who is quite conservative when it comes to girls being raised by three sisters, haha.) has no problems when I nurse in front of him because a baby's got to eat. If (and hardly ever) he feels uncomfortable, he goes and does something else.
No one objects when I openly nurse my daughter at the table, not my Uncle, Aunt, Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Husband, even my Stepmother in law.
No one has ever asked me when I was going to stop nursing.
These things are what my family considers NORMAL.
Next time you might ask yourself if what you are doing is 'normal', remember, normalcy is relative (no pun intended). somewhere out there, there is a place where no one stigmatizes breastfeeding. what you do today and tomorrow is helping our sons, daughters, grandsons and granddaughters be breastfed with out the stigma, shame, and doubt people seem to have today.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I chose to have a homebirth with my daughter. It was not a decision made lightly just because I cloth diaper or breastfeed. the utmost importance to me was my son's emotional well being. Yep. its true. I chose to homebirth because of Jzilla. This boy has been through amazing changes in his 3 year old life. he was born in los angeles. his daddy left for iraq when he was 8 days old. mama's milk dried up and he starved while feeling lethargic and sick. eventually back to the breast he went. 4 months later he was driven on a 14 hour drive to colorado where he got to know his dad for the first time. then a few months later, went back to los angeles while dad got some training. a little bit after his first birthday we moved back to colorado a month in an extended stay, then on to a uhaul to north carolina. learned to walk, and turned two before we were plucked off again to alaska a few weeks after his second birthday. spent 3 weeks in a hotel before his dad deployed again... this time to afghanistan. we moved back to los angeles again and 6 months later his sister was born.
its so interesting how modern medicine doesn't seem to count on emotional and psychological well being. It always comes up in debates about homebirthing or right to die. so what if you were alive and the baby was healthy after a traumatizing birth? so what if you were physically alive but brain dead while your hard earned money you wanted to leave to your children was drained to nothing? I'm not saying that hospital births are always traumatizing, or that brain dead people should die because they are a burden. I'm saying that why do people seem to fight the choice that other people want to make? why do they have problems with people making educated decisions? why don't some people understand that the risks we take are worth it when it comes to emotional and psychological well being?
when I chose to homebirth I knew its physical risks, but its not just homebirths that comes with physical risk. so do hospital births. when I contemplated the emotional well being of my family, having a homebirth was the answer. Physically I was well enough to have one as well. If I wasn't of course I would have gone to the hospital to give birth (and I am pretty sure 99% of mothers out there would agree). having the birth itself wasn't empowering for me, making the right decision for myself, my son, and my daughter was empowering.
its so interesting how modern medicine doesn't seem to count on emotional and psychological well being. It always comes up in debates about homebirthing or right to die. so what if you were alive and the baby was healthy after a traumatizing birth? so what if you were physically alive but brain dead while your hard earned money you wanted to leave to your children was drained to nothing? I'm not saying that hospital births are always traumatizing, or that brain dead people should die because they are a burden. I'm saying that why do people seem to fight the choice that other people want to make? why do they have problems with people making educated decisions? why don't some people understand that the risks we take are worth it when it comes to emotional and psychological well being?
when I chose to homebirth I knew its physical risks, but its not just homebirths that comes with physical risk. so do hospital births. when I contemplated the emotional well being of my family, having a homebirth was the answer. Physically I was well enough to have one as well. If I wasn't of course I would have gone to the hospital to give birth (and I am pretty sure 99% of mothers out there would agree). having the birth itself wasn't empowering for me, making the right decision for myself, my son, and my daughter was empowering.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
rainbow brick roads
let me introduce myself. my name is mollie. I am wife to paul since 2006. I am a mama to two little ones... JakeZilla (born march/09) and MykaBean (born november/11)
I am an army wife.
my husband joined the army in 2006. we are currently stationed in ft wainwright, AK, and surviving our second deployment. he seemed to be a lifer but since we had kids his mind seems to be changing. i don't really mind either way. I love being an army wife. I've met great friends during our travels the army sends us on and even online through support websites. yep, a few bad apples give us a bad name but I've met more good ones than bad (and I've met a few WTFs are they thinking so I certainly don't act like they don't exist).
I am a gamer geek mama.
i play video games, card games (like mtg), and rpgs. in the late 1990's my then friend and future husband and i spent hours at a online computer center before online computer centers were cool (his dad and his friend owned/ran it. they were engineers that were ahead of their time). We played hours of command and conquer, duke nukem and mechwarrior 2. i played grups with some friends and loved it! i really want to get in to it but moving a lot sucks. :( i played EQ, WoW, tabula rasa (I liked that one a lot!), and vanguard off and on. I also played day of defeat which a lot of my WW2 weapon knowledge comes from (haha) and I currently play a lot of free cell while I stalk my husband online :P
I am a crafty mama.
i spin yarn on my ashford joy my husband 'allowed' me to buy earlier this year (lols). i knit and crochet also but my true love seems to be spinning so far. i met a lady who also weaves but i dare not start another hobby! lol. i also sew but a real novice at that.
I am a cloth diapering mama.
i wish i could say that i do it for the sake of the environment or the health of my baby's butt, but the truth is that I do it for the money. we already knew that we would have more than one so cloth diapers were an all around win. I've only spent 150 dollars on bean's girly covers and I need to spend about 50 dollars more on some flats but she will be diapered until potty training. whooohoooo!
I am a cooking mama.
we love to cook and eat. that is another thing I love love love about our military life. I've lived in colorado springs, colorado; fayetteville, north carolina; and fairbanks, alaska and I would say I miss the food as much as the people i've made friends with. I also love to cook from scratch and eat out too. I love doing thanksgiving, christmas, and new years. I look forward to it every year.
I am a breastfeeding mama.
I wish i could say that I breastfeed for the sake of lactivism, but the truth be told I do this for the money too (see a trend? lol). honestly though I am quite appalled by the resistance women encounter when it comes to breastfeeding. My mom breastfeed 3 of my siblings all past one year so I thought it was the norm. even my grandfather was a cheerleader and when I had problems nursing Jzilla, he supported me with a stinky papaya, which is considered a galactagogue in Okinawa. eventually I was able to EBF and learned the importance of support and education (i thought it would be as easy as sticking the nipple in the babies mouth back then too). I am active with my local LLL (local meaning, whenever I am in the redondo beach area). every woman should get 110% support if they want to breastfeed. I get so sad when women have to quit due to misinformation, not enough support or pressure from family (i think that's what makes me mad the most!). I currently tandem nurse Jzilla and Mbean.
I am an AP mama.
I don't necessarily advocate AP but our parenting decisions line up with most of what AP is all about.
I could go more in depth but I need to get ready to go shopping for food. LOL.
I am an army wife.
my husband joined the army in 2006. we are currently stationed in ft wainwright, AK, and surviving our second deployment. he seemed to be a lifer but since we had kids his mind seems to be changing. i don't really mind either way. I love being an army wife. I've met great friends during our travels the army sends us on and even online through support websites. yep, a few bad apples give us a bad name but I've met more good ones than bad (and I've met a few WTFs are they thinking so I certainly don't act like they don't exist).
I am a gamer geek mama.
i play video games, card games (like mtg), and rpgs. in the late 1990's my then friend and future husband and i spent hours at a online computer center before online computer centers were cool (his dad and his friend owned/ran it. they were engineers that were ahead of their time). We played hours of command and conquer, duke nukem and mechwarrior 2. i played grups with some friends and loved it! i really want to get in to it but moving a lot sucks. :( i played EQ, WoW, tabula rasa (I liked that one a lot!), and vanguard off and on. I also played day of defeat which a lot of my WW2 weapon knowledge comes from (haha) and I currently play a lot of free cell while I stalk my husband online :P
I am a crafty mama.
i spin yarn on my ashford joy my husband 'allowed' me to buy earlier this year (lols). i knit and crochet also but my true love seems to be spinning so far. i met a lady who also weaves but i dare not start another hobby! lol. i also sew but a real novice at that.
I am a cloth diapering mama.
i wish i could say that i do it for the sake of the environment or the health of my baby's butt, but the truth is that I do it for the money. we already knew that we would have more than one so cloth diapers were an all around win. I've only spent 150 dollars on bean's girly covers and I need to spend about 50 dollars more on some flats but she will be diapered until potty training. whooohoooo!
I am a cooking mama.
we love to cook and eat. that is another thing I love love love about our military life. I've lived in colorado springs, colorado; fayetteville, north carolina; and fairbanks, alaska and I would say I miss the food as much as the people i've made friends with. I also love to cook from scratch and eat out too. I love doing thanksgiving, christmas, and new years. I look forward to it every year.
I am a breastfeeding mama.
I wish i could say that I breastfeed for the sake of lactivism, but the truth be told I do this for the money too (see a trend? lol). honestly though I am quite appalled by the resistance women encounter when it comes to breastfeeding. My mom breastfeed 3 of my siblings all past one year so I thought it was the norm. even my grandfather was a cheerleader and when I had problems nursing Jzilla, he supported me with a stinky papaya, which is considered a galactagogue in Okinawa. eventually I was able to EBF and learned the importance of support and education (i thought it would be as easy as sticking the nipple in the babies mouth back then too). I am active with my local LLL (local meaning, whenever I am in the redondo beach area). every woman should get 110% support if they want to breastfeed. I get so sad when women have to quit due to misinformation, not enough support or pressure from family (i think that's what makes me mad the most!). I currently tandem nurse Jzilla and Mbean.
I am an AP mama.
I don't necessarily advocate AP but our parenting decisions line up with most of what AP is all about.
I could go more in depth but I need to get ready to go shopping for food. LOL.
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