30 days

leave has started.  we'll be in california from the 5th of june.  john will be coming, beers will be drunk, fish will be fished, possibility of caribou being hunted.  and it will end so quickly, there will be much sadness.

afterthoughts.

I am glad all the positive responses my previous post.  thanks to jamie from iamnothebabysitter.com for linking on her blog facebook page.  I hope that it will change people's perception of extended nursing in positive ways! 

Some have commented how it must be hard for me to breastfeeding my babies.

I remembered memories I had hidden for a long time.  I thought I'd share them for those who maybe going through something similar.  sexual abuse is devastating and has long term effects no matter how it happens. For me the healing process  has happened over 15 years and with a  friend/boyfriend/husband who is literally a saint - a process still on going now, wrestling with emotions relating with my daughter as well.

I remembered one point in my life I felt so alone and so broken that having someone to share my life with wasn't even on my radar let alone having kids.  I felt like I was some sort of discarded piece of furniture.  the burden that was put upon me was too great and I didn't think it would be fair to share that burden with someone I loved.

Then I remembered feeling uncomfortable one night while I was with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (TBNH).    It did have to do with my breasts.  It did have to do with my abuse.  It was already a few years in to our relationship and I knew this man was the one who I was going to marry and have kids with, so naturally it became about breastfeeding too.  For me it was so normalized, formula feeding didn't even enter my mind at the time - but I wondered how I would do it when I couldn't even surrender them to the man I truly loved and who loved me in return.
  
Then I remembered the day I told my TBNH what had happened.  It was in the car at a bowling alley.  I cried. I was so afraid of what was going to happen now that I had shared the burden.  would he see me the same?  what if he was turned on by them?  my breasts were still ruling my emotions.

At this point I was crying in my bed looking at my daughter who was playing happily on the floor.  Then I remembered that I would think about my mother breastfeeding my brother and sisters.  Breasts- They aren't just sexual things that you take and discard.  they nurture too.  they comfort.  What my abuse took away didn't seem to matter because I knew in my heart what they were truly meant for. 

Then  I remembered the first time my son nursed.  for once in my life my breasts were doing what it was meant to be - it wasn't some sort of pawn in a world of distrust, lust, and anger.  It was so freeing!

We've been married 6 years now and my husband is very much a boob man as much as our son is and that's ok.  :)   

the memory of my mother nursing has saved me numerous times.  If you don't have such memories of your mother - listen.    For your breasts to be doing what it was supposed to be - its nothing to be afraid of.  Don't let thoughts that would try to convince otherwise consume you.

My family is very supportive of breastfeeding and so I always felt like I had to help others who lacked support - but I've finally realized how my mother breastfeeding in front of me has affected ME so profoundly in other ways. 

a very personal story.

All the hoopla about the extended breastfeeding picture compelled me to share my story.

I have 2 sisters and a brother. they were both extended breastfed - some longer than others. They were all born after I turned eight, so there was a lot of breastfeeding going around me. It was simply natural. My sisters and brother looked happy and comforted in my mother's arms. they bedshared and we eventually bedshared in our 2 bedroom condo (lets just add we can all sleep by ourselves in the dark LOL)

when I was 14 years old I was sexually abused. I remember the feeling of shame, embarrassment, guilt, anger and hate towards who did it like it was yesterday. I even tried to commit suicide once by putting 5 morphine patches on my thigh hoping I'd fall asleep and never wake up. All it did was make me sick and I stayed home the next day.

Now fast forward 15 years. I am 30. I am tandem nursing a 3 year old and a 6 month old. to me, its normal. I grew up with it. My son smiles when I hold him close. His sister smiles at HIM mostly (haha). I see my son smile at his sister as they share cuddles with mom. sometimes he holds hands, sometimes he strokes her hair. I stroke their hair. my son tells me mom, dad, boboobs, and sister make him happy (in that order - but ice cream and candy doesn't, HA!). everything is alright in their world when they nurse.

nothing was right on the day I was molested.

so when I read things like 'you're molesting your child if you are extend breastfeeding', I'm honestly more confused than shocked. I know exactly what both of these things feel like. My brother and sisters never felt shame, anger, or guilt. none of those things. they never felt violated. they never felt like they had to commit suicide. If extended breastfeeding made my children feel that way of course I wouldn't do it - but when I see my son when he nurses, he is happy. in his confusing world (we are military and my husband deployed twice already in his 3 year life, as well as gained a sister, moved five times, lived in a hotel for a month at a time), his constant has been mama and boboob. When I nurse him and contribute to his comfort from his confusing world, I am glad I am there for him.

When I started nursing I never thought I would be 'that mom'. honestly, I don't think any mom does. Now I am 'that mom'. I know people are entitled to their opinion - but not ignorance! "extended nursing isn't for me, nor do I feel like is right for a mom to nurse past X year" (opinion) is clearly different from "nursing a three year old? that is clearly child molestation!" (ignorance) equating two things you clearly have no clue about and telling me who I am. I'm not saying that everyone should extend breastfeed. I don't even mind if you don't - or won't nurse. its your decision. It is also my choice to nurse my three year old because its NOT child molestation.

I know what that feels like and it definitely isn't this.