this was my second year participating in the big latch on here in Fairbanks. It was great to see many moms and children of all ages participating. In such company it was the only place I would ever feel comfortable allowing zilla to nurse in public.
well of course I was met with positive attitudes, but I felt as if it was out of place for me.
I don't particularly enjoy nursing zilla. I haven't for about a year now and he only nurses every few days especially on a stressful day. I let him but I don't feel like it's anything special anymore. I feel like he uses it as a crutch. although I have began to introduce other methods of comforting (like hugs and kisses), I do it because all hell would break loose if I didn't. I know that all hell breaks loose because he NEEDS the comfort though. It's just hard to understand unless you've been through it. It's kind of like when you really need ice cream but all you got is frozen yogurt. sometimes it's ok but sometimes it just doesn't cut it. I've been trying to wean him since I was pregnant with bean. i have been taking it one day at a time for twenty months. sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community doesn't embrace the fact that nursing is sometimes not that great.
yes it's nice to have positive affirmations but I want a community where I could say "this sucks (literally)". I want a community that says "how is it going?" than "that's great". breastfeeding is so much more complex. there are so many different emotions involved but we tend to get caught up in only the good ones. I think there are a lot of negative feelings that we may not feel comfortable divulging to others because of the way the culture is. I admit it, I sometimes tell people I'd wish he'd just quit and they think I am joking. I am counting the days when he will wean. I am going to throw myself a hell of a party.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
these last weeks have been stressful for all of us. In the end it seems all insignificant but I think it had a great impact on me and I hope to make it a positive on in the long run.
we had to move out of our place. it all started with a faulty CO2 sensor and a call to the fire department. then a call to the housing office. then an inspection. we thought it was a fire safety inspection. later we learned that it was a welfare inspection that eventually led to our lease not being renewed. it was a myriad of things like guns not stowed away safely (it was in the basement up high on a shelf with a trigger lock but instead it needed to be in a 'locked box'). a shelving unit blocking attic access, toys in the hall that may trip emergency workers, and 'cleanliness' issues (they called it 'clutter' which basically what it was), and of course the damn dog peeing in the side room (which I treated multiple times with petastic and used the green machine to clean). I tried my best and I was 10 weeks pregnant at the initial inspection and 12 weeks pregnant at the follow up. well it wasn't 'good enough' for them. worse part of it probably was the fact that there were people there who didn't really understand why we were being kicked out. the 30 day notice didn't even specify what on the list we had actually accomplished. the what we asked you to do and what you did/didn't do was cut and pasted, yet the gun was stowed away according to their specifications. shelving unit was moved. there were no clutter in the halls or on the counters. carpet was cleaned. obviously none of the issue was actually scrutinized. oh well. so we moved out.
It literally destroyed me psychologically. Honestly it had nothing to do with the fact that I am messy. I am messy and that's just how I am. I was destroyed because it reminded me of my relationship with my mom so much. She used my issues to control me. if I had plans to go out she would use cleaning against me. my room was never clean enough for her for me to go anywhere, and she would make sure I was aware of that 10 minutes before a friend would come and pick me up, even IF I had cleaned my room which I shared with my two sisters and my brother. I stopped making plans. I stopped caring. to top it off, she wouldn't care if the house was clean or not if she wanted to go out. then she started complaining that no one would stay home to clean so that's why she acts the way she does. I suggested that she make a calendar to set a date once a week where everyone would keep their day free to clean the house. of course this plan fell on deaf ears because what if she wanted to make plans on that day??? :facepalm:
then my mom asked me this gem. "why don't you ever sneak out and see your friends like I did in high school?"
If this was what it was about I didn't want to be a part of it. If I got forced to clean my room, I'd sleep in a pile of books and clothes while listening to KLON on the radio. That was most of my weekends growing up. sometimes I could go out but I'd have to take my sisters and brother with me. I love them to death but it gets hard when you want to go out with a car full of friends.
my mom hardly ever cleaned too, we had to clean the kitchen every night after she cooked dinner because she was "tired" from cooking dinner but we were never allowed to use the kitchen to allow her to relax for a night because we'd make it messy.
I don't know, typing all of this make it seem so... petty. like I am blaming my mom for all my woes this past month, but while I was cleaning the house, zilla came over and helped me. Bean had a sponge in her hand and a water bottle in the other. I am frantically looking up ideas on the internet for cleaning tips. I felt so horrible today when the inspector flipped up the top of the oven to see if I cleaned it. It wasn't cleaned well because I didn't know you could do that!! I didn't know what to think. LOL. would it have been different if my mom had engaged us? I definitely want to be a different kind of mom than my mother ever was so my kids won't have to have issues like I have. I know that will lead me to be a better person. still messy of course but without the shame and guilt for being such a person.
we had to move out of our place. it all started with a faulty CO2 sensor and a call to the fire department. then a call to the housing office. then an inspection. we thought it was a fire safety inspection. later we learned that it was a welfare inspection that eventually led to our lease not being renewed. it was a myriad of things like guns not stowed away safely (it was in the basement up high on a shelf with a trigger lock but instead it needed to be in a 'locked box'). a shelving unit blocking attic access, toys in the hall that may trip emergency workers, and 'cleanliness' issues (they called it 'clutter' which basically what it was), and of course the damn dog peeing in the side room (which I treated multiple times with petastic and used the green machine to clean). I tried my best and I was 10 weeks pregnant at the initial inspection and 12 weeks pregnant at the follow up. well it wasn't 'good enough' for them. worse part of it probably was the fact that there were people there who didn't really understand why we were being kicked out. the 30 day notice didn't even specify what on the list we had actually accomplished. the what we asked you to do and what you did/didn't do was cut and pasted, yet the gun was stowed away according to their specifications. shelving unit was moved. there were no clutter in the halls or on the counters. carpet was cleaned. obviously none of the issue was actually scrutinized. oh well. so we moved out.
It literally destroyed me psychologically. Honestly it had nothing to do with the fact that I am messy. I am messy and that's just how I am. I was destroyed because it reminded me of my relationship with my mom so much. She used my issues to control me. if I had plans to go out she would use cleaning against me. my room was never clean enough for her for me to go anywhere, and she would make sure I was aware of that 10 minutes before a friend would come and pick me up, even IF I had cleaned my room which I shared with my two sisters and my brother. I stopped making plans. I stopped caring. to top it off, she wouldn't care if the house was clean or not if she wanted to go out. then she started complaining that no one would stay home to clean so that's why she acts the way she does. I suggested that she make a calendar to set a date once a week where everyone would keep their day free to clean the house. of course this plan fell on deaf ears because what if she wanted to make plans on that day??? :facepalm:
then my mom asked me this gem. "why don't you ever sneak out and see your friends like I did in high school?"
If this was what it was about I didn't want to be a part of it. If I got forced to clean my room, I'd sleep in a pile of books and clothes while listening to KLON on the radio. That was most of my weekends growing up. sometimes I could go out but I'd have to take my sisters and brother with me. I love them to death but it gets hard when you want to go out with a car full of friends.
my mom hardly ever cleaned too, we had to clean the kitchen every night after she cooked dinner because she was "tired" from cooking dinner but we were never allowed to use the kitchen to allow her to relax for a night because we'd make it messy.
I don't know, typing all of this make it seem so... petty. like I am blaming my mom for all my woes this past month, but while I was cleaning the house, zilla came over and helped me. Bean had a sponge in her hand and a water bottle in the other. I am frantically looking up ideas on the internet for cleaning tips. I felt so horrible today when the inspector flipped up the top of the oven to see if I cleaned it. It wasn't cleaned well because I didn't know you could do that!! I didn't know what to think. LOL. would it have been different if my mom had engaged us? I definitely want to be a different kind of mom than my mother ever was so my kids won't have to have issues like I have. I know that will lead me to be a better person. still messy of course but without the shame and guilt for being such a person.
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