is upon us. its not in a form of an NCAA bracket.
we are settling in as best as we can here in the hotel. jake is bouncing off the walls, myka can't sleep, and I haven't had a bite of brown rice since we left LA. I sort of miss it. I braved -10 degree weather and it wasn't too bad. I really like it here. I don't exactly know why.
today ended the original 'window of dates' that paul was supposed to come home. well, he hasn't come home yet. not that this is anything new. I'm happy that he is flying in with the first main body.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
everything
is crashing down in the month of march. its sort of a time of change, from winter to warmer weathers, the brown of winter turns green, and
Mbean got her first cold.
Jzilla will turn three.
we are moving back to alaska.
Jzilla and Mbean are sick the week we have to move.
deployment is ending.
its still freezing winter in alaska.
its nice and warm in southern california. (sigh)
Mbean got her first cold.
Jzilla will turn three.
we are moving back to alaska.
Jzilla and Mbean are sick the week we have to move.
deployment is ending.
its still freezing winter in alaska.
its nice and warm in southern california. (sigh)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
my dearest bean,
you are approaching 4 months old and this has been on your mama's mind since the day I held you for the first time. you see, before you were born I didn't think I want a baby girl until the day I went to your brother's ultrasound. I was happy but I didn't feel complete. That's when I realized that deep in my heart I wanted a baby girl but didn't want to admit it. I was afraid. I was afraid of because of the way I grew up. I was not happy being a girl and I felt like if I was a boy I wouldn't have had to feel the way I did. There were a lot of influences around me that made me unhappy of how I acted, what I liked, and how I looked. as an adult it still affected me. I didn't want anyone to feel that way, especially my own baby girl.
flash forward 2 years later. I went to the ultrasound to find out if you were a girl or a boy. In my mind I was still afraid of having a baby girl. I called you 'he' at the end of the ultrasound and the tech asked me how do I know? I just laughed. I didn't know. I was just afraid that you would be the girl I always wanted. later that night your dad and I opened the envelope that held that picture of you inside of me. you were a GIRL! I laughed because I was so so so happy but I cried because my fears were coming true. How will I raise you the right way as a confident girl? how would I teach you how to love yourself for who you are?
5 months later my questions were answered, so simply and so profoundly. As I pulled you up from the birthing pool, the answer was there. Your face was brimming with confidence and beauty. I realized you already knew what I thought I would have a hard time teaching you! in fact, you taught me an invaluable lesson in those few first minutes. You looked just like me, yet I saw this inner confidence in you that I didn't have. I realized at that moment that I must have been born with it too, but I had lost it along the way. I found it in you. My fears were dashed in those first few moments that I held you.
already teaching your mama a few things eh bean?
nothing will stop you bean, from becoming whoever you want to be. You are beautiful on the inside and out and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how do I know? I've seen it since the moment you were born. Do not let anyone take away what you were born with. If you ever feel like you lost it, I hope you find it in this letter.
with much love,
your mama.
this is the very moment I learned my invaluable lesson in who I truly was.
flash forward 2 years later. I went to the ultrasound to find out if you were a girl or a boy. In my mind I was still afraid of having a baby girl. I called you 'he' at the end of the ultrasound and the tech asked me how do I know? I just laughed. I didn't know. I was just afraid that you would be the girl I always wanted. later that night your dad and I opened the envelope that held that picture of you inside of me. you were a GIRL! I laughed because I was so so so happy but I cried because my fears were coming true. How will I raise you the right way as a confident girl? how would I teach you how to love yourself for who you are?
5 months later my questions were answered, so simply and so profoundly. As I pulled you up from the birthing pool, the answer was there. Your face was brimming with confidence and beauty. I realized you already knew what I thought I would have a hard time teaching you! in fact, you taught me an invaluable lesson in those few first minutes. You looked just like me, yet I saw this inner confidence in you that I didn't have. I realized at that moment that I must have been born with it too, but I had lost it along the way. I found it in you. My fears were dashed in those first few moments that I held you.
already teaching your mama a few things eh bean?
nothing will stop you bean, from becoming whoever you want to be. You are beautiful on the inside and out and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how do I know? I've seen it since the moment you were born. Do not let anyone take away what you were born with. If you ever feel like you lost it, I hope you find it in this letter.
with much love,
your mama.
this is the very moment I learned my invaluable lesson in who I truly was.
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