this poem came to my mind while I was nursing myka.  a lady in the plant department asked her how old she was and I almost said "four months old".  I don't really know why but of course she is not 4 months old.  that was 4 months ago.  she will be 8 months old july 12th.

I was also thinking about how most people have stopped nursing at this point for one reason for another.  I think about those who have been told 6 months is long enough.  I look at my baby and I just can't comprehend that.  She is still a baby in my mind, and babies nurse.  I just can't comprehend how 5 months and 20 odd some days is different from 6 months and 3 or 4 days. 

Its kind of the same thing as I don't consider a 17 and 355 days old any different than a 18 year old.  sure, the implication of laws might be different, but still you are as mature or immature as you were the day before you turned 18.  heck I still know 30 somethings still immature as some 17 and 355 day olds. 

I remember when I started nursing that I had voiced my concern at an LLL meeting.  My husband wasn't sure about nursing past one.  still hold on to what kris had told me that day.  wait till your baby is one year old.  you won't believe how 'baby' your one year old will be.

she was so right.

my three year old is still my baby.  till I hand him the car keys I guess.  :)

let them suck on their binkie a few more days.
let them sleep in your bed tonight.
let them cry when they are hurt.
let them run naked before it's not right.
let them make a mess you'll clean up.
let them pretend they're stronger.
because before you know it,
you'd want to hold on to those car keys a few moments longer.

normal-ish but never the normal life

paul is doing the 9-5 ish thing (not counting pt), and I'm just at home doing my thing, cleaning, cooking, raising the littles...  as a military family it kind of weirds me out that sometimes people settle and do this for 20 years ~ 40 years.  I can't even see 2 years in to our future.  when paul's tour in alaska is over who knows were we'd end up.  so surreal. When people look for their dream house to spend their whole life in, we look for a rentable place in case we have to move (which we did), we still dream about where we would end up when he retires or ETSs, but we also dream about where our next duty station could be (hawaii?  back to colorado?  stay in alaska?).  I can't imagine settling somewhere for 15 years, I love the traveling opportunities the army has given us. 

so back to 'normal' as our normal life could be.

pout.

leave will officially end tomorrow.  I'm so disappointed that its over.

teaching and learning

we were playing.  zilla was hitting me with a lego laser.  we were rough housing and he hit me with the laser instead.  I could've yelled at him not to do that.  it *actually* hurt so I didn't even have a chance to say anything before actual tears came out of my eyes.

then he started laughing.

At this point I didn't know what to think.  Oh noes.  where have I gone wrong?  the boy thought it was funny that he hurt me.  what am I to do different?  I sat there crying. He just kept laughing but it changed once he get the idea that I wasn't joking,

Mama was hurt.

I didn't ask him to say sorry so he didn't say sorry. I didn't ask him to kiss where it hurt so he didn't kiss my boo boo.


What he did afterwards was he played gently.  I didn't even have to ask him to.

the boys are gone

boys have gone to homer to go halibut fishing.  its a 10 hour drive and paul, a friend of his, and his brother left about an hour ago.   its about time my husband went out to do something without me.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely LOVE his company.  he was first and foremost my best guy friend.  becoming a military family and having kids have strengthened our relationship even further.   This man though, doesn't get out much without family.  I don't mean to complain but I worry.  The kids are still small.  The deal was for zilla to come out on the boat with him.  they didn't recommend kids younger than 6 on the boat (which I could've guessed, but *I* had to call.).  He asked me if zilla could come along as an observer.  it would cost us 110 dollars on an all day boat.

errr.  no thank you. 

I feel like he might be missing out on some things in life - that he might lets things slide.  I know for him, its not like that.  When he is with family, he is happiest. 

one of my biggest regrets in life is not going to the prom with paul.  someone had mentioned that if that was one of my regrets in life, I've lead a pretty good life (haha) but missing prom isn't what I regret.  That night I chose my family over prom because i felt like it was the right thing to do.  My stepfather had died and we were in sort of mourning mode.  it didn't feel right for me to go.  at the time the feeling was right.  now, I wish I had that one extra memory of going.  I have plenty of other memories of staying home and being with family because that's what I did the other days of the year.  I want him to have memories of going halibut fishing with his friend and brother, because he has plenty of memories of us. 

Besides, how else can I watch the view without moans and groans?

growing up in the city, coming home to the country

we went back to los angeles for a week to see our parents and family.  it was a very interesting trip.  Living in fairbanks, I thought I would welcome the hustle bustle of city life - let alone the authentic ethnic variety available.  All I wanted was to go 'home'.

Back to fairbanks.

I learned what it felt like to be that 'overwhelmed' toddler.  I was angry and lashing out.  It was weird because at first I didn't even realize I was acting that way.  I lashed out at Jake.  I lashed out at my husband.  I yelled, "I don't even know why I feel this way!!!".  I reflected.  I hated being here.  in the city.  I sobbed.  I felt better.

It was an eye opening experience.

Even hesperia was too crowded.  Too traffic-y.  Too people-y.  Too cit-y.  Paul actually agreed with me.  I would ask him if he would ever come back here to southern california, and he would always come back with comments like "well, I like the beach"  or "well I know, but this is my home".  This time around he would say things like "its too crowded here" or "I know why people love fairbanks, and stay in fairbanks.  only if they had a best buy.  I still need my technology."   We are simple country folk who love best buy, I guess.  Who would've thought.  There is even talk about buying something here 'just for the summer'.  sounds like a good idea.  LOL.

Still it was nice to visit family.  Jake had a blast.  There was the usual drama too (duh?).  we had fun in the city.

then came 'home' to the country.

Diablo 3 has...

not taken over my life - yet. 

its oddly busy here.  it always seems to be when paul is around.  I don't have my morning tea with my daytime TV favorites to relax and do, nothing.

I have some jacob wool on my wheel right now.  tired of spinning merino, corridale, and the usual stuff so I went over to a weaver's yarn and bought some of it to spin some dryer balls - but the project seems to have taken another turn.  the fibers remind me of birch trees which are turning splendid green right now here, so I've decided to go a step further inspired by intertwined and spin some art yarn reminiscent of the trees.  depending on how they turn out I am also thinking about entering it in the fair.  Its currently thick thin.  I'm wondering whether to shred green _______ for the 'leaves' or spin some nubs (again, inspired by intertwined) to ply together with thread.