afterthoughts.

I am glad all the positive responses my previous post.  thanks to jamie from iamnothebabysitter.com for linking on her blog facebook page.  I hope that it will change people's perception of extended nursing in positive ways! 

Some have commented how it must be hard for me to breastfeeding my babies.

I remembered memories I had hidden for a long time.  I thought I'd share them for those who maybe going through something similar.  sexual abuse is devastating and has long term effects no matter how it happens. For me the healing process  has happened over 15 years and with a  friend/boyfriend/husband who is literally a saint - a process still on going now, wrestling with emotions relating with my daughter as well.

I remembered one point in my life I felt so alone and so broken that having someone to share my life with wasn't even on my radar let alone having kids.  I felt like I was some sort of discarded piece of furniture.  the burden that was put upon me was too great and I didn't think it would be fair to share that burden with someone I loved.

Then I remembered feeling uncomfortable one night while I was with my then-boyfriend-now-husband (TBNH).    It did have to do with my breasts.  It did have to do with my abuse.  It was already a few years in to our relationship and I knew this man was the one who I was going to marry and have kids with, so naturally it became about breastfeeding too.  For me it was so normalized, formula feeding didn't even enter my mind at the time - but I wondered how I would do it when I couldn't even surrender them to the man I truly loved and who loved me in return.
  
Then I remembered the day I told my TBNH what had happened.  It was in the car at a bowling alley.  I cried. I was so afraid of what was going to happen now that I had shared the burden.  would he see me the same?  what if he was turned on by them?  my breasts were still ruling my emotions.

At this point I was crying in my bed looking at my daughter who was playing happily on the floor.  Then I remembered that I would think about my mother breastfeeding my brother and sisters.  Breasts- They aren't just sexual things that you take and discard.  they nurture too.  they comfort.  What my abuse took away didn't seem to matter because I knew in my heart what they were truly meant for. 

Then  I remembered the first time my son nursed.  for once in my life my breasts were doing what it was meant to be - it wasn't some sort of pawn in a world of distrust, lust, and anger.  It was so freeing!

We've been married 6 years now and my husband is very much a boob man as much as our son is and that's ok.  :)   

the memory of my mother nursing has saved me numerous times.  If you don't have such memories of your mother - listen.    For your breasts to be doing what it was supposed to be - its nothing to be afraid of.  Don't let thoughts that would try to convince otherwise consume you.

My family is very supportive of breastfeeding and so I always felt like I had to help others who lacked support - but I've finally realized how my mother breastfeeding in front of me has affected ME so profoundly in other ways.