sad.

I am sad.  I feel like the world is so... different from how I see it.

I don't agree with anyone.  I don't really disagree either.  I feel lost as where my place in the world is.  I want something that I am completely confident in. 

Of course I know my family's love is a given.  That's not really what I am talking about.  I guess, I'm talking about faith?  belief?  that is something different than my family's love which I KNOW exists.  I feel like I am grasping at air when there should be something there. 

I keep looking for something tangible. In what form? something worth living for that isn't my husband or my kids.  Why do I feel this emptiness?  Why do I keep looking for something to fill it?  Yet why do I keep refusing to surrender and be passionate about something?  What is holding me back?  I'm still looking for an answer.  to what?  I don't know.  To life?  I know that isn't attainable.  Life is a mystery.

everything has another objective view that I see.  I find it that is a good thing and a bad thing.

I don't have a firm belief in anything.  social issues, religion, anything. I don't even have my own style.  my hair hasn't been cut for 2 years not because I like it long, but because I'm scared.  I'm scared that people might see someone other than who I am.

That makes me so sad.

I want a purpose other than raising my kids, taking care of my husband, and being myself.

I guess this is what happens at 3am.