speaking of purpose, I've decided 'officially' to go for my IBCLC certification.
no, this is not my true calling - or at least it doesn't feel like it, but I love helping people reach breastfeeding success. I figure I'll do it so I can reach people on a professional level.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
sad.
I am sad. I feel like the world is so... different from how I see it.
I don't agree with anyone. I don't really disagree either. I feel lost as where my place in the world is. I want something that I am completely confident in.
Of course I know my family's love is a given. That's not really what I am talking about. I guess, I'm talking about faith? belief? that is something different than my family's love which I KNOW exists. I feel like I am grasping at air when there should be something there.
I keep looking for something tangible. In what form? something worth living for that isn't my husband or my kids. Why do I feel this emptiness? Why do I keep looking for something to fill it? Yet why do I keep refusing to surrender and be passionate about something? What is holding me back? I'm still looking for an answer. to what? I don't know. To life? I know that isn't attainable. Life is a mystery.
everything has another objective view that I see. I find it that is a good thing and a bad thing.
I don't have a firm belief in anything. social issues, religion, anything. I don't even have my own style. my hair hasn't been cut for 2 years not because I like it long, but because I'm scared. I'm scared that people might see someone other than who I am.
That makes me so sad.
I want a purpose other than raising my kids, taking care of my husband, and being myself.
I guess this is what happens at 3am.
I don't agree with anyone. I don't really disagree either. I feel lost as where my place in the world is. I want something that I am completely confident in.
Of course I know my family's love is a given. That's not really what I am talking about. I guess, I'm talking about faith? belief? that is something different than my family's love which I KNOW exists. I feel like I am grasping at air when there should be something there.
I keep looking for something tangible. In what form? something worth living for that isn't my husband or my kids. Why do I feel this emptiness? Why do I keep looking for something to fill it? Yet why do I keep refusing to surrender and be passionate about something? What is holding me back? I'm still looking for an answer. to what? I don't know. To life? I know that isn't attainable. Life is a mystery.
everything has another objective view that I see. I find it that is a good thing and a bad thing.
I don't have a firm belief in anything. social issues, religion, anything. I don't even have my own style. my hair hasn't been cut for 2 years not because I like it long, but because I'm scared. I'm scared that people might see someone other than who I am.
That makes me so sad.
I want a purpose other than raising my kids, taking care of my husband, and being myself.
I guess this is what happens at 3am.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
what to expect at chez yoshi
the house is messy.
children are messy.
the kitchen is messy.
the dog is clean, 75% of the time.
no you don't need to take your shoes off because we are asian. if you want to though, we can send ninjas to steal them off your feet.
if you did not call ahead, you get the no bra treatment... pants are usually on.
if you did not call ahead, you get the naked toddler treatment... underwear is usually on (rule subject to change)
what was that smell? its the dog.
the dog was outside? then don't ask.
you are all welcome to stop by. I always have a cup of tea on hand.
we're asians, duh.
children are messy.
the kitchen is messy.
the dog is clean, 75% of the time.
no you don't need to take your shoes off because we are asian. if you want to though, we can send ninjas to steal them off your feet.
if you did not call ahead, you get the no bra treatment... pants are usually on.
if you did not call ahead, you get the naked toddler treatment... underwear is usually on (rule subject to change)
what was that smell? its the dog.
the dog was outside? then don't ask.
you are all welcome to stop by. I always have a cup of tea on hand.
we're asians, duh.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I've been angry.
I don't know why.
Its the smallest things that trigger it.
I am sorry zilla.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you don't sleep. You don't sleep because you want a hug from mama that she won't give to you.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you need a potty seat to go potty. You got upset because mama was too angry and lazy to go get it from downstairs.
Mama is scared. She is scared that there might be something terribly wrong - but Mama and Dada is trying to figure it out. We are trying to figure it out because we love you zilla. Once we figure it out you won't have to be scared. Mama will hug you when you need it. Mama will hug you to sleep. Mama will go get the potty seat for you when she realizes its downstairs.
It will take time zilla, but we will make it better.
We love you bud.
I might be showing symptoms of late onset PPD. it creeps up on me when the babies need me the most. We are working through the feelings.
I don't know why.
Its the smallest things that trigger it.
I am sorry zilla.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you don't sleep. You don't sleep because you want a hug from mama that she won't give to you.
I don't mean to be angry at you because you need a potty seat to go potty. You got upset because mama was too angry and lazy to go get it from downstairs.
Mama is scared. She is scared that there might be something terribly wrong - but Mama and Dada is trying to figure it out. We are trying to figure it out because we love you zilla. Once we figure it out you won't have to be scared. Mama will hug you when you need it. Mama will hug you to sleep. Mama will go get the potty seat for you when she realizes its downstairs.
It will take time zilla, but we will make it better.
We love you bud.
I might be showing symptoms of late onset PPD. it creeps up on me when the babies need me the most. We are working through the feelings.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
july 2012
miss bean is 8 months old today. whaaaa? the last 2 months (since we moved in to the new house) she's started to roll back to tummy, army crawling (when she wants to be there quickly), crawling (exploring), pulling up, climbing stairs (!), cruising, standing with assistance, sitting up without assistance, getting in to sitting position from neutral, and putting everything and anything in her mouth (especially paper!). She likes to get in to brother's business, she 'wants' what brother has (and it can't be anything else) and she cries if we don't let her get her way (uh oh!). she has only two bottom teeth. She isn't too fond of eating (weird!) solids (yet, she'll eat paper). she loves mama's milk the most.
zilla is already a third of the way over with being three years old. he is glad to have all his toys back. he is an absolute extrovert like his mama (now that he can communicate!). In his spare time he loves acting out wonderpets episodes, jumping on the trampoline, and playing the Wii and xbox (its genetic).
zilla is already a third of the way over with being three years old. he is glad to have all his toys back. he is an absolute extrovert like his mama (now that he can communicate!). In his spare time he loves acting out wonderpets episodes, jumping on the trampoline, and playing the Wii and xbox (its genetic).
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