Reading something about the girls in Nigeria and I muttered to myself, "I can't believe these girls were abducted to be married off". that's when I saw my son wide eyed to my left and these words came out of his mouth, "what does marry off mean, mom?"

my first instinct was that he does not need to know. He doesn't need to know that else where in the world his sister would be treated like property. She would not go to school. She would not be seen. She would not be heard. He did not need to know that women and girls were devalued. He did not need to know there were bad men who takes girls away from schools by gun point to be sold as brides. just earlier that day we had talked about what it means to marry. He seemed like he was confused by why I seemed upset by the idea of being married off.

the more I thought about telling him an excuse to not have to explain to him what getting 'married off' meant, the more I could not say words like "it's nothing you have to worry about". I made a promise long ago that I would not lie to my children if they asked me a question, even if it sometimes meant telling them something they might not want to hear. "it's nothing you have to worry about" would be a lie. A lie I did not feel comfortable telling him. People treating human beings like property to be bought and sold is something all human beings should worry about.

silence was not an option.

i told him the harsh truth. these girls were kidnapped by bad men who treated them like toys you buy at the store. He would sell them and that's wrong. He was making these girls marry someone even of they didn't love the other person.

he took it all in and said "that's not nice. I will punch him in the face!". I had to remind him this was real life and not a video game.  "that's still not nice" he said, and went to play.

indeed. It's not nice at all. I wish it was all a video game but it's reality. Honestly I don't know of I did the right thing by telling him. b I have been thinking about it all day.

let us not give up hope until the girls come home.

8 years

it is the first year we've been together and actually remembered our anniversary on the actual date.  It's more of a joke than anything. 
I feel loved everyday.  I am loved everyday.  that makes this day just any ordinary day. 

it has been eight weeks since lil boi's birth.  I feel back to my normal self, even contemplating going out in -20 degrees with the kids on my own.  then reality sets in and I have to feed the little boogers.

I decide to stay in. 

It's almost march.  thaw is coming soon and I just can not wait.  Paul has been medboarded so instead of getting out of here in april, we can stay here for another summer (yessss), and I have been contemplating taking some spinning classes now that bean fares better with her dad.  we will be here for another blueberry season.  another summer.  not to mention that paul has a few leave days he HAS to use.  it also means he will be looking for a job.  a job that will permanently settle us somewhere.  he is contemplating Texas.  watching shows about beef brisket BBQ may sway me, but I doubt it.  I want snow.  I want trees.  Texas does not have snow or trees.  I don't like sand.  Texas is... sandy.  I lived 10 minutes from the ocean for 26 years of my life and I purposely avoid the beach in california. 

I really want to stay here in Alaska.  I sneaked in a proposal for a job at a place called the alaska center for UAV integration.  they have yet to find a security officer.  I hope that we can stay... but it's not really my call.  if the job is in houston, I will go and live with the sand. 

Baby J's birth story

baby jumping (zilla named him) entered this world on december 15th at 1447.  he was 7lbs 2oz just like his sister and 19in long. he shares his birthday with his great-grandma bettie, great-uncle tad, and aunt carole (all from the Mori side).

birth story

at 4 am I woke up to more 'real' contractions.  called the doula.  we went to the hospital at 6am since the contractions were about 3 min apart.  during the intake the nurse was skeptical because I was listening to my hypnobirthing mp3s, and my pain level was at zero.  lol.  she watched me on the monitors so she knew I was having them.  they told me maybe I am just dehydrated so they decided to check me.  if I was progressing in an hour, they would admit me.  being checked was the most horrible feeling!  I was 4cm, 50% effaced.

an hour later I was 6cm, 70% effaced so I was admitted.

things didn't really progress much after that.  I was walking, talking, so they didn't really feel like I was in active labor.   things even stalled for 30 minutes at one point :( they talked about pitocin (which was an absolute no for me).  they checked me again and I was only 7cm, but fully effaced.  after the stall they discussed breaking my water.  I agreed.  that was at about 1230.  Things started to pick up then.  I had three really intense contractions and I hypnobirthed through them.  later did I find out from my doula that I actually had SIX contractions.  I actually SLEPT through them! 


then the BAD news came. 



my blood pressure had gone up.  I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension in labor.  i would have to be constantly monitored.  that meant... no tub.

no. tub.











I was so devastated.  with bean's birth, the tub was a lifesaver when it came time to push. 

then I am pretty sure I hit transition.  my body had to move move move.  zilla was really helpful at this point.  we danced together, jumped together and marched together (yes I jumped during transition.  weirdest thing, ever.)   at the same time I broke down and cried for an epidural if I couldn't sit in the tub.  I KNEW that this was transition because of my break down.  I couldn't help it.  mentally I knew that he would be here soon, but my eyes wouldn't stop crying and my mouth wouldn't stop whining.  I could see the intensity of the contractions on the monitor as well, so I knew that this had to be it!  We went to the shower as a compromise then within minutes, my body just took over.  I remember holding on to him and shouting "oh my god!".  paul said I was about to fall down but I don't remember feeling that way.    I actually don't really remember what made me shout but with that, the nurse and midwife came rushing from their call station.  they asked me if I had the urge to push.  I didn't think I had to urge to, but the nurse and midwife knew from my vocalizations that that the time was really close.  they told me that I had to get to the bed if zilla wanted to cut the cord since if I gave birth in the shower they would have to get him to the warmer ASAP since I would be wet.  I focused and I was able to walk to the bed.  I sort of got on to the bed and I had to push in a weird squatting position because I just froze without completely laying down.  J was born in three to four pushes.  All I was concerned with (again) was if I was gonna poop or not.  lol. 

everything is a blur after that.  J was placed on my chest and I had to be patted down since I was still sort of wet.  zilla got to cut the cord and meet his new baby brother.  bean had fallen asleep in dad's arms during this entire thing. It made me wonder if nature has it's way of doing that.

baby J is doing great.  everyone has settled down.

and what do you know, zilla doesn't like baby milk.  he says it tastes like watery spinach.

He has OFFICIALLY weaned!

34 weeks

I've finally slowed down, it actually hurts to keep moving although I want to, so cleaning has come to a slower pace.  I had some time to sit down and look at ottobre patterns (BAD IDEA).  I really want to get better at sewing for kids.  I was debating to take a class but with kiddos around who knows.  I really wish I had family that could teach me.  I actually sat down to print the waterfall blouse I had meaning to make since I got pregnant.  I even taped it together.  then it was lunch time. 

snow is falling (FINALLY)!  I love opening the door and have fresh cold air in my face.  for some ridiculous reason we left zilla's winter boots in storage, so we need to go find those and go adventuring outside!  It is my most favorite time of the year!

life at a slow pace and other adventures

cross posted to facebook as well:

went to sam's club, I sat there and watched the people in the lines to pay for a little while. Its incredible how slow the pace of life here is. The beeps of the machines, the speed of the workers putting your items in the cart, the speed of people exiting the lanes, everything was noticeably slower to me. I wonder if I was missing anything while life was rushing around me in Los Angeles.

A couple at denny's here in alaska waited 20 minutes for a menu and didnt even complain. I mentioned to Paul that if we were in LA, we would have left. I remember going to the kettle and being caught off guard when my food came to my table in 5 minutes just as I was getting comfortable in my seat. I felt rushed, like they wanted me to get out of there as soon as possible.

when I left LA, Rochelle told me that I would love the slower pace of life.

8w left till my due date and the last few weeks has been quite interesting. I haven't been able to sleep, stay still, and I have been tired at the same time. I am full of energy one moment and crashing the next, yet unable to relax to shake it all off. Other than that, this pregnancy has been uneventful like the others.

this was my second year participating in the big latch on here in Fairbanks. It was great to see many moms and children of all ages participating. In such company it was the only place I would ever feel comfortable allowing zilla to nurse in public.

well of course I was met with positive attitudes,  but I felt as if it was out of place for me.

I don't particularly enjoy nursing zilla.  I haven't for about a year now and he only nurses every few days especially on a stressful day.  I let him but I don't feel like it's anything special anymore.  I feel like he uses it as a crutch.  although I have began to introduce other methods of comforting (like hugs and kisses), I do it because all hell would break loose if I didn't.  I know that all hell breaks loose because he NEEDS the comfort though.  It's just hard to understand unless you've been through it.  It's kind of like when you really need ice cream but all you got is frozen yogurt.  sometimes it's ok but sometimes it just doesn't cut it.  I've been trying to wean him since I was pregnant with bean. i have been taking it one day at a time for twenty months. sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community doesn't embrace the fact that nursing is sometimes not that great. 

yes it's nice to have positive affirmations but I want a community where I could say "this sucks (literally)". I want a community that says "how is it going?" than "that's great". breastfeeding is so much more complex.  there are so many different emotions involved but we tend to get caught up in only the good ones.  I think there are a lot of negative feelings that we may not feel comfortable divulging to others because of the way the culture is.  I admit it, I sometimes tell people I'd wish he'd just quit and they think I am joking.  I am counting the days when he will wean.  I am going to throw myself a hell of a party.