it is the first year we've been together and actually remembered our anniversary on the actual date. It's more of a joke than anything.
I feel loved everyday. I am loved everyday. that makes this day just any ordinary day.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
it has been eight weeks since lil boi's birth. I feel back to my normal self, even contemplating going out in -20 degrees with the kids on my own. then reality sets in and I have to feed the little boogers.
I decide to stay in.
It's almost march. thaw is coming soon and I just can not wait. Paul has been medboarded so instead of getting out of here in april, we can stay here for another summer (yessss), and I have been contemplating taking some spinning classes now that bean fares better with her dad. we will be here for another blueberry season. another summer. not to mention that paul has a few leave days he HAS to use. it also means he will be looking for a job. a job that will permanently settle us somewhere. he is contemplating Texas. watching shows about beef brisket BBQ may sway me, but I doubt it. I want snow. I want trees. Texas does not have snow or trees. I don't like sand. Texas is... sandy. I lived 10 minutes from the ocean for 26 years of my life and I purposely avoid the beach in california.
I really want to stay here in Alaska. I sneaked in a proposal for a job at a place called the alaska center for UAV integration. they have yet to find a security officer. I hope that we can stay... but it's not really my call. if the job is in houston, I will go and live with the sand.
I decide to stay in.
It's almost march. thaw is coming soon and I just can not wait. Paul has been medboarded so instead of getting out of here in april, we can stay here for another summer (yessss), and I have been contemplating taking some spinning classes now that bean fares better with her dad. we will be here for another blueberry season. another summer. not to mention that paul has a few leave days he HAS to use. it also means he will be looking for a job. a job that will permanently settle us somewhere. he is contemplating Texas. watching shows about beef brisket BBQ may sway me, but I doubt it. I want snow. I want trees. Texas does not have snow or trees. I don't like sand. Texas is... sandy. I lived 10 minutes from the ocean for 26 years of my life and I purposely avoid the beach in california.
I really want to stay here in Alaska. I sneaked in a proposal for a job at a place called the alaska center for UAV integration. they have yet to find a security officer. I hope that we can stay... but it's not really my call. if the job is in houston, I will go and live with the sand.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Baby J's birth story
baby jumping (zilla named him) entered this world on december 15th at 1447. he was 7lbs 2oz just like his sister and 19in long. he shares his birthday with his great-grandma bettie, great-uncle tad, and aunt carole (all from the Mori side).
birth story
at 4 am I woke up to more 'real' contractions. called the doula. we went to the hospital at 6am since the contractions were about 3 min apart. during the intake the nurse was skeptical because I was listening to my hypnobirthing mp3s, and my pain level was at zero. lol. she watched me on the monitors so she knew I was having them. they told me maybe I am just dehydrated so they decided to check me. if I was progressing in an hour, they would admit me. being checked was the most horrible feeling! I was 4cm, 50% effaced.
an hour later I was 6cm, 70% effaced so I was admitted.
things didn't really progress much after that. I was walking, talking, so they didn't really feel like I was in active labor. things even stalled for 30 minutes at one point :( they talked about pitocin (which was an absolute no for me). they checked me again and I was only 7cm, but fully effaced. after the stall they discussed breaking my water. I agreed. that was at about 1230. Things started to pick up then. I had three really intense contractions and I hypnobirthed through them. later did I find out from my doula that I actually had SIX contractions. I actually SLEPT through them!
then the BAD news came.
my blood pressure had gone up. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension in labor. i would have to be constantly monitored. that meant... no tub.
no. tub.
I was so devastated. with bean's birth, the tub was a lifesaver when it came time to push.
then I am pretty sure I hit transition. my body had to move move move. zilla was really helpful at this point. we danced together, jumped together and marched together (yes I jumped during transition. weirdest thing, ever.) at the same time I broke down and cried for an epidural if I couldn't sit in the tub. I KNEW that this was transition because of my break down. I couldn't help it. mentally I knew that he would be here soon, but my eyes wouldn't stop crying and my mouth wouldn't stop whining. I could see the intensity of the contractions on the monitor as well, so I knew that this had to be it! We went to the shower as a compromise then within minutes, my body just took over. I remember holding on to him and shouting "oh my god!". paul said I was about to fall down but I don't remember feeling that way. I actually don't really remember what made me shout but with that, the nurse and midwife came rushing from their call station. they asked me if I had the urge to push. I didn't think I had to urge to, but the nurse and midwife knew from my vocalizations that that the time was really close. they told me that I had to get to the bed if zilla wanted to cut the cord since if I gave birth in the shower they would have to get him to the warmer ASAP since I would be wet. I focused and I was able to walk to the bed. I sort of got on to the bed and I had to push in a weird squatting position because I just froze without completely laying down. J was born in three to four pushes. All I was concerned with (again) was if I was gonna poop or not. lol.
everything is a blur after that. J was placed on my chest and I had to be patted down since I was still sort of wet. zilla got to cut the cord and meet his new baby brother. bean had fallen asleep in dad's arms during this entire thing. It made me wonder if nature has it's way of doing that.
baby J is doing great. everyone has settled down.
and what do you know, zilla doesn't like baby milk. he says it tastes like watery spinach.
He has OFFICIALLY weaned!
birth story
at 4 am I woke up to more 'real' contractions. called the doula. we went to the hospital at 6am since the contractions were about 3 min apart. during the intake the nurse was skeptical because I was listening to my hypnobirthing mp3s, and my pain level was at zero. lol. she watched me on the monitors so she knew I was having them. they told me maybe I am just dehydrated so they decided to check me. if I was progressing in an hour, they would admit me. being checked was the most horrible feeling! I was 4cm, 50% effaced.
an hour later I was 6cm, 70% effaced so I was admitted.
things didn't really progress much after that. I was walking, talking, so they didn't really feel like I was in active labor. things even stalled for 30 minutes at one point :( they talked about pitocin (which was an absolute no for me). they checked me again and I was only 7cm, but fully effaced. after the stall they discussed breaking my water. I agreed. that was at about 1230. Things started to pick up then. I had three really intense contractions and I hypnobirthed through them. later did I find out from my doula that I actually had SIX contractions. I actually SLEPT through them!
then the BAD news came.
my blood pressure had gone up. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension in labor. i would have to be constantly monitored. that meant... no tub.
no. tub.
I was so devastated. with bean's birth, the tub was a lifesaver when it came time to push.
then I am pretty sure I hit transition. my body had to move move move. zilla was really helpful at this point. we danced together, jumped together and marched together (yes I jumped during transition. weirdest thing, ever.) at the same time I broke down and cried for an epidural if I couldn't sit in the tub. I KNEW that this was transition because of my break down. I couldn't help it. mentally I knew that he would be here soon, but my eyes wouldn't stop crying and my mouth wouldn't stop whining. I could see the intensity of the contractions on the monitor as well, so I knew that this had to be it! We went to the shower as a compromise then within minutes, my body just took over. I remember holding on to him and shouting "oh my god!". paul said I was about to fall down but I don't remember feeling that way. I actually don't really remember what made me shout but with that, the nurse and midwife came rushing from their call station. they asked me if I had the urge to push. I didn't think I had to urge to, but the nurse and midwife knew from my vocalizations that that the time was really close. they told me that I had to get to the bed if zilla wanted to cut the cord since if I gave birth in the shower they would have to get him to the warmer ASAP since I would be wet. I focused and I was able to walk to the bed. I sort of got on to the bed and I had to push in a weird squatting position because I just froze without completely laying down. J was born in three to four pushes. All I was concerned with (again) was if I was gonna poop or not. lol.
everything is a blur after that. J was placed on my chest and I had to be patted down since I was still sort of wet. zilla got to cut the cord and meet his new baby brother. bean had fallen asleep in dad's arms during this entire thing. It made me wonder if nature has it's way of doing that.
baby J is doing great. everyone has settled down.
and what do you know, zilla doesn't like baby milk. he says it tastes like watery spinach.
He has OFFICIALLY weaned!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
34 weeks
I've finally slowed down, it actually hurts to keep moving although I want to, so cleaning has come to a slower pace. I had some time to sit down and look at ottobre patterns (BAD IDEA). I really want to get better at sewing for kids. I was debating to take a class but with kiddos around who knows. I really wish I had family that could teach me. I actually sat down to print the waterfall blouse I had meaning to make since I got pregnant. I even taped it together. then it was lunch time.
snow is falling (FINALLY)! I love opening the door and have fresh cold air in my face. for some ridiculous reason we left zilla's winter boots in storage, so we need to go find those and go adventuring outside! It is my most favorite time of the year!
snow is falling (FINALLY)! I love opening the door and have fresh cold air in my face. for some ridiculous reason we left zilla's winter boots in storage, so we need to go find those and go adventuring outside! It is my most favorite time of the year!
Monday, October 21, 2013
life at a slow pace and other adventures
cross posted to facebook as well:
went to sam's club, I sat there and watched the people in the lines to pay for a little while. Its incredible how slow the pace of life here is. The beeps of the machines, the speed of the workers putting your items in the cart, the speed of people exiting the lanes, everything was noticeably slower to me. I wonder if I was missing anything while life was rushing around me in Los Angeles.
A couple at denny's here in alaska waited 20 minutes for a menu and didnt even complain. I mentioned to Paul that if we were in LA, we would have left. I remember going to the kettle and being caught off guard when my food came to my table in 5 minutes just as I was getting comfortable in my seat. I felt rushed, like they wanted me to get out of there as soon as possible.
when I left LA, Rochelle told me that I would love the slower pace of life.
8w left till my due date and the last few weeks has been quite interesting. I haven't been able to sleep, stay still, and I have been tired at the same time. I am full of energy one moment and crashing the next, yet unable to relax to shake it all off. Other than that, this pregnancy has been uneventful like the others.
went to sam's club, I sat there and watched the people in the lines to pay for a little while. Its incredible how slow the pace of life here is. The beeps of the machines, the speed of the workers putting your items in the cart, the speed of people exiting the lanes, everything was noticeably slower to me. I wonder if I was missing anything while life was rushing around me in Los Angeles.
A couple at denny's here in alaska waited 20 minutes for a menu and didnt even complain. I mentioned to Paul that if we were in LA, we would have left. I remember going to the kettle and being caught off guard when my food came to my table in 5 minutes just as I was getting comfortable in my seat. I felt rushed, like they wanted me to get out of there as soon as possible.
when I left LA, Rochelle told me that I would love the slower pace of life.
8w left till my due date and the last few weeks has been quite interesting. I haven't been able to sleep, stay still, and I have been tired at the same time. I am full of energy one moment and crashing the next, yet unable to relax to shake it all off. Other than that, this pregnancy has been uneventful like the others.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
this was my second year participating in the big latch on here in Fairbanks. It was great to see many moms and children of all ages participating. In such company it was the only place I would ever feel comfortable allowing zilla to nurse in public.
well of course I was met with positive attitudes, but I felt as if it was out of place for me.
I don't particularly enjoy nursing zilla. I haven't for about a year now and he only nurses every few days especially on a stressful day. I let him but I don't feel like it's anything special anymore. I feel like he uses it as a crutch. although I have began to introduce other methods of comforting (like hugs and kisses), I do it because all hell would break loose if I didn't. I know that all hell breaks loose because he NEEDS the comfort though. It's just hard to understand unless you've been through it. It's kind of like when you really need ice cream but all you got is frozen yogurt. sometimes it's ok but sometimes it just doesn't cut it. I've been trying to wean him since I was pregnant with bean. i have been taking it one day at a time for twenty months. sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community doesn't embrace the fact that nursing is sometimes not that great.
yes it's nice to have positive affirmations but I want a community where I could say "this sucks (literally)". I want a community that says "how is it going?" than "that's great". breastfeeding is so much more complex. there are so many different emotions involved but we tend to get caught up in only the good ones. I think there are a lot of negative feelings that we may not feel comfortable divulging to others because of the way the culture is. I admit it, I sometimes tell people I'd wish he'd just quit and they think I am joking. I am counting the days when he will wean. I am going to throw myself a hell of a party.
well of course I was met with positive attitudes, but I felt as if it was out of place for me.
I don't particularly enjoy nursing zilla. I haven't for about a year now and he only nurses every few days especially on a stressful day. I let him but I don't feel like it's anything special anymore. I feel like he uses it as a crutch. although I have began to introduce other methods of comforting (like hugs and kisses), I do it because all hell would break loose if I didn't. I know that all hell breaks loose because he NEEDS the comfort though. It's just hard to understand unless you've been through it. It's kind of like when you really need ice cream but all you got is frozen yogurt. sometimes it's ok but sometimes it just doesn't cut it. I've been trying to wean him since I was pregnant with bean. i have been taking it one day at a time for twenty months. sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community doesn't embrace the fact that nursing is sometimes not that great.
yes it's nice to have positive affirmations but I want a community where I could say "this sucks (literally)". I want a community that says "how is it going?" than "that's great". breastfeeding is so much more complex. there are so many different emotions involved but we tend to get caught up in only the good ones. I think there are a lot of negative feelings that we may not feel comfortable divulging to others because of the way the culture is. I admit it, I sometimes tell people I'd wish he'd just quit and they think I am joking. I am counting the days when he will wean. I am going to throw myself a hell of a party.
these last weeks have been stressful for all of us. In the end it seems all insignificant but I think it had a great impact on me and I hope to make it a positive on in the long run.
we had to move out of our place. it all started with a faulty CO2 sensor and a call to the fire department. then a call to the housing office. then an inspection. we thought it was a fire safety inspection. later we learned that it was a welfare inspection that eventually led to our lease not being renewed. it was a myriad of things like guns not stowed away safely (it was in the basement up high on a shelf with a trigger lock but instead it needed to be in a 'locked box'). a shelving unit blocking attic access, toys in the hall that may trip emergency workers, and 'cleanliness' issues (they called it 'clutter' which basically what it was), and of course the damn dog peeing in the side room (which I treated multiple times with petastic and used the green machine to clean). I tried my best and I was 10 weeks pregnant at the initial inspection and 12 weeks pregnant at the follow up. well it wasn't 'good enough' for them. worse part of it probably was the fact that there were people there who didn't really understand why we were being kicked out. the 30 day notice didn't even specify what on the list we had actually accomplished. the what we asked you to do and what you did/didn't do was cut and pasted, yet the gun was stowed away according to their specifications. shelving unit was moved. there were no clutter in the halls or on the counters. carpet was cleaned. obviously none of the issue was actually scrutinized. oh well. so we moved out.
It literally destroyed me psychologically. Honestly it had nothing to do with the fact that I am messy. I am messy and that's just how I am. I was destroyed because it reminded me of my relationship with my mom so much. She used my issues to control me. if I had plans to go out she would use cleaning against me. my room was never clean enough for her for me to go anywhere, and she would make sure I was aware of that 10 minutes before a friend would come and pick me up, even IF I had cleaned my room which I shared with my two sisters and my brother. I stopped making plans. I stopped caring. to top it off, she wouldn't care if the house was clean or not if she wanted to go out. then she started complaining that no one would stay home to clean so that's why she acts the way she does. I suggested that she make a calendar to set a date once a week where everyone would keep their day free to clean the house. of course this plan fell on deaf ears because what if she wanted to make plans on that day??? :facepalm:
then my mom asked me this gem. "why don't you ever sneak out and see your friends like I did in high school?"
If this was what it was about I didn't want to be a part of it. If I got forced to clean my room, I'd sleep in a pile of books and clothes while listening to KLON on the radio. That was most of my weekends growing up. sometimes I could go out but I'd have to take my sisters and brother with me. I love them to death but it gets hard when you want to go out with a car full of friends.
my mom hardly ever cleaned too, we had to clean the kitchen every night after she cooked dinner because she was "tired" from cooking dinner but we were never allowed to use the kitchen to allow her to relax for a night because we'd make it messy.
I don't know, typing all of this make it seem so... petty. like I am blaming my mom for all my woes this past month, but while I was cleaning the house, zilla came over and helped me. Bean had a sponge in her hand and a water bottle in the other. I am frantically looking up ideas on the internet for cleaning tips. I felt so horrible today when the inspector flipped up the top of the oven to see if I cleaned it. It wasn't cleaned well because I didn't know you could do that!! I didn't know what to think. LOL. would it have been different if my mom had engaged us? I definitely want to be a different kind of mom than my mother ever was so my kids won't have to have issues like I have. I know that will lead me to be a better person. still messy of course but without the shame and guilt for being such a person.
we had to move out of our place. it all started with a faulty CO2 sensor and a call to the fire department. then a call to the housing office. then an inspection. we thought it was a fire safety inspection. later we learned that it was a welfare inspection that eventually led to our lease not being renewed. it was a myriad of things like guns not stowed away safely (it was in the basement up high on a shelf with a trigger lock but instead it needed to be in a 'locked box'). a shelving unit blocking attic access, toys in the hall that may trip emergency workers, and 'cleanliness' issues (they called it 'clutter' which basically what it was), and of course the damn dog peeing in the side room (which I treated multiple times with petastic and used the green machine to clean). I tried my best and I was 10 weeks pregnant at the initial inspection and 12 weeks pregnant at the follow up. well it wasn't 'good enough' for them. worse part of it probably was the fact that there were people there who didn't really understand why we were being kicked out. the 30 day notice didn't even specify what on the list we had actually accomplished. the what we asked you to do and what you did/didn't do was cut and pasted, yet the gun was stowed away according to their specifications. shelving unit was moved. there were no clutter in the halls or on the counters. carpet was cleaned. obviously none of the issue was actually scrutinized. oh well. so we moved out.
It literally destroyed me psychologically. Honestly it had nothing to do with the fact that I am messy. I am messy and that's just how I am. I was destroyed because it reminded me of my relationship with my mom so much. She used my issues to control me. if I had plans to go out she would use cleaning against me. my room was never clean enough for her for me to go anywhere, and she would make sure I was aware of that 10 minutes before a friend would come and pick me up, even IF I had cleaned my room which I shared with my two sisters and my brother. I stopped making plans. I stopped caring. to top it off, she wouldn't care if the house was clean or not if she wanted to go out. then she started complaining that no one would stay home to clean so that's why she acts the way she does. I suggested that she make a calendar to set a date once a week where everyone would keep their day free to clean the house. of course this plan fell on deaf ears because what if she wanted to make plans on that day??? :facepalm:
then my mom asked me this gem. "why don't you ever sneak out and see your friends like I did in high school?"
If this was what it was about I didn't want to be a part of it. If I got forced to clean my room, I'd sleep in a pile of books and clothes while listening to KLON on the radio. That was most of my weekends growing up. sometimes I could go out but I'd have to take my sisters and brother with me. I love them to death but it gets hard when you want to go out with a car full of friends.
my mom hardly ever cleaned too, we had to clean the kitchen every night after she cooked dinner because she was "tired" from cooking dinner but we were never allowed to use the kitchen to allow her to relax for a night because we'd make it messy.
I don't know, typing all of this make it seem so... petty. like I am blaming my mom for all my woes this past month, but while I was cleaning the house, zilla came over and helped me. Bean had a sponge in her hand and a water bottle in the other. I am frantically looking up ideas on the internet for cleaning tips. I felt so horrible today when the inspector flipped up the top of the oven to see if I cleaned it. It wasn't cleaned well because I didn't know you could do that!! I didn't know what to think. LOL. would it have been different if my mom had engaged us? I definitely want to be a different kind of mom than my mother ever was so my kids won't have to have issues like I have. I know that will lead me to be a better person. still messy of course but without the shame and guilt for being such a person.
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