we had a power outage that lasted an hour tonight.  it was the closest I ever came to a 'survival situation'.  as silly it might sound, its quite a possibility during the winter here in fairbanks.  several things I wanted to make a note of and blog! 

so the lights go off and I am freaking out... then I realize I have a flashlight app on my phone.
I am so glad that my sister told me about it.  at the time I thought it was the most ridiculous thing.  who would need something like that ever?  well.  it came in handy today!  I have the flashlight XT for windows phone.  P has DLed as well for his iPhone.  it makes your camera flash in to a flashlight!  of course you should have real flashlights with batteries but for that moment, it does a great job. 

don't panic.

sure its easy for anyone to say that, but when its -20 outside and you don't have power you might just panic.  it was really hard for me to not break down and cry.  I kept asking zilla if he was cold, if he was scared, if he was panicked.  truth was I was scared.  I was slowly getting cold, and I was on the verge of panic.  I wanted to pack the car and drive off somewhere warm.  at least we have heat in the car. we have a full tank. GET OUT OF HERE!!! is the only thing I could think of but I've watched a lot of survivorman to know that that could be the worst think you can do.  stay calm.  take your time and asses the situation so you know where to take your kids and the pets if the power doesn't come back on.

OMG.  the PETS.

in my panic, I had complete forgotten about them.  I would have left them or put them in to the car and realized that I had to stay in the car with them instead of going to a store or something where it would be warmer.  after realizing this, I went upstairs since it was getting colder downstairs to calm down and rethink things.  I sat there and kept zilla occupied (bean was asleep through the whole thing) then I felt the temperature upstairs equalize for a moment and it wasn't getting cold as quickly as I thought it was going to get. 

by the time I was done thinking and assessing 45 minutes had passed.  15 minutes later as I was nagging zilla to put some socks on because he was getting restless, the power came back on.

the most important thing I have left for last though.  I am thankful for my friends who voiced concern on facebook when I announced that the power was out.  Honestly I don't know what I was thinking when I posted that.  I feel bad to worry people but I felt instinctively to do it.  It does feel lonely and it feels good to have friends rooting for you and letting you know that they are sending positive vibes.  I think that's what was able to calm me the most.

holidays and random musings about attachment

november is over!  fall is over! it's been winter already for better part of september and october, which confuses zilla.  (LOL).  thanksgiving was a great hit.  we fried 2 turkeys and made a ham.  I loved the fried turkey so much I want to make a fried truducken next year.

-20*F isn't as bad as people think, especially if there is no wind and that wind just about kills you.  sun is low on the horizon.  I always wondered how it all worked after hearing about polar nights.  I love that we are living all the awesome stuff people talk about.  midnight sun, polar nights, moose, aurora sightings.  I kind of crack up at all those alaska reality shows on TV.  granted, it IS like that.  even those who don't 'homestead' are encouraged to have at least a week's worth of non perishable food.  yes, cans explode so there are cases of dried foods.  plug in your car.  life is so different here even if you live an ordinary life.  when you live the extraordinary life, there are a lot of EXTRAS. 


Paul just left for a week long training exercise.  every time we are apart I analyze my feelings I begin to understand the core of attachment parenting.

almost 13 years ago when we started dating, I was insecure, this was my first real relationship, I had come from a broken home, and my self esteem was at an all time low.  the future I saw in me was a lonely one, where I would never get married or have kids because I wasn't worthy. 

I had quirks.  I wanted him to page me.  I wanted him to call me.  I wanted him to say I love you even if it made him uncomfortable.

he did it for me.  respected those feelings and insecurities I had.

I see our relationship now and I still have those insecurities in different forms.  what if I neglect my children like my mom did when she was depressed?  what if I lash out at them when I get overly tired while he is gone?  He reassures me that that is normal.  he doesn't minimize those feelings.  he buys some video games for zilla so I can have time to myself. 

I feel attached to my husband who respects my feelings and when he is gone I feel it the most.  a feeling I'd love my own child to experience when I am gone as well. 

back in 1998 I auditioned for the LA junior philharmonic with my french horn and I was accepted.  Gosh, I remember the audition like it was yesterday.  I had to sight read a piece I had never played.  there was a triplet that caught me off guard.  I remember mentally saying 'sa-tur-day' as I played the notes (I'm pretty sure it was a Bflat) and freaking out.  I remember getting the postcard for the callback to audition but I don't remember actually getting accepted because I know that was also the same time I was let down by being told that my mom would not be able to drive me to the practices downtown.  I was so angry.  finally when I was 'good' at something, the very people who told me I wasn't good enough for anything had let me down.

Its their 75th anniversary this year.  

sometimes I wonder if I should go back to playing music.  I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had become the member.  will I have majored in music?  Would I have gotten good enough to play in other orchestras?  would I annoy my neighbors?  would I still be a military wife? 

I really want to play the trombone again.  I think it was my favorite.

october so far...

WiP:  pinwheel sweater for bean.  I found worsted cotton 75% off at fred meyers in purple and blues.  WOOT. 

halloween costume for zilla completed!  He is going to be Jake from the Neverland Pirates.  He wore the costume today while watching the show.  I drafted my own vest with the collar.  not perfect but it was pretty fun.  edging.... sigh!  I used satin blanket trim.  BIG mistake.  the edging took longer than the whole costume due to using the most slippery fabric known to sewing kind?  LOL!  it worked out in the end.  it looks fantastic. 

bean will be a pirate.  I found zilla's first halloween costume!  I am going to make a tulle tutu for it in red and black. 

pumpkins still need to be carved which will probably be done this weekend.

SNOW!  it snowed for 3 days straight.  the snow pack has formed and gravel has been laid in parking lots everywhere.  It is pretty exciting and scary at the same time.

bean stood up on her own today.  walking is imminent!  she looked to excited to do it.  








Tomorrow we'll be heading to pioneer park for a family trick or treat event.  a little scared?   not of the ghouls but of the cold.  thinking about posting pictures here when I finally figure it out.  lol.

どうしよ～～～～～

I'm doing some freelance Japanese fact checking and this is all freaking me out.  first of all, I know that I would never be a journalist (haha).  second of all, when I am in an english speaking environment, I will freak out in Japanese.  when it is in a Japanese speaking environment, it'll be in english (LOL). 

I really have to brush up on my Japanese.  I am really losing the skill. 

the neighbor's kid is crying.   I don't know the child but I can hear him/her through the wall. no one is coming to help. 

I just put zilla and bean to bed.  I couldn't stand it anymore and came downstairs. 

Its not because I am against crying it out.  its because the very fiber of my being is telling me that I need to hold that child, hulk smash the wall so I can pick the child up and tell him/her that everything will be ok now. 

my heart is aching.

fall rut

its fall. 

my friend mentioned that in colorado, summer ends and begins on fourth of july.  (ha!) there is the more traditional summer begins on memorial day and ends on labor day.  it can't be true enough here in fairbanks!  while the rest of the country was sweltering in the heat (our property management company called to tell us the A/C in our condo wasn't working), its 50 degrees here and the kids now have sweatshirts and jackets on.  the weather did do a turn around labor day weekend!  the clouds aren't going away at all. 

another thing is, being my first winter here, I'm 'falling' in to a rut.  its scary to think that winter will last until next april.  its scary to think that katie may need dog shoes just to go poop/pee outside.  its scary to think how much TV zilla would be watching (this rut is causing him to watch more TV as I mentally zone out : /).  its scary to think that there are not a lot of choices when it comes to winter footwear for the kids' growing feet.  its scary to think that I must be vigilant about mittens and hats so they don't get frostbitten. 

in all, I think the winter will go by really fast though.  supposedly at around -20*F the city shuts down so I hope that paul will be home so he can cuddle and hang out with us.  I can't wait to see more auroras this winter and all the cool winter activities that fairbanks will be hosting.  heck, maybe i'll look in to finally learning how to snowboard!