this was supposed to be a status update but I wrote a novel.

kittygrape was reprimanded yesterday for playing with powdered laundry soap and making a huge mess. First of all, I had already explicitly told her to NOT play with the soap. second of all I had already smelled the soap on her hands before I saw the mess, and I had hoped that she had just played with it while it was in the box so I could talk to her calmly about listening to directions (wrong, of course). When stepped in to the pile of laundry soap in the hallway I lost my cool and my voice rose, yelling her name at least three times because she did not appear when I called. no surprise there because she had already ran away to hide. however, I found her hiding with her soap scented hands in her face on the couch. she is usually better at hiding when we are actually playing hide and seek.

once she knew what the consequences were, she owned up to it and cleaned up after herself. Today she spilled the remnants of the soap that was in a bottle we didn't notice yesterday. She cleaned it up herself right away, hashtag parenting win. 

It's these little victories that I enjoy but can I do this for another 14 years+ without losing bits of my being until I have nothing of myself left?

spinning ~

I am pretty excited to have found a master spinner (certificate from handweavers guild of America) be locally here in Torrance. To make things even more exciting, she offers 'classes' on Thursday nights. They are just fiber get togethers where they learn all sorts of fiber art related stuff from knitting, to weaving and everything else in between. It is free. It also blows my mind that of the millions of people who live here there are only 20 or so people who teach fiber crafts in southern California (as in spinning and weaving that is, there are plenty of places that teach knitting and crocheting). It reiterates how 'weird' I am. Hah. I have been spinning on my drop spindle this past week because it seems that I packed away all my bobbins in with the house hold goods that got shipped. I am pretty bummed out about that but my spindle is finally getting some love. I also tried some Andean plying which was successful the first time around. It's an amazing method of plying once you get the hang of it.

as for the job situation, Paul is kind of getting discouraged as he thought he would at least hear from some people by now, but there are still many jobs that he is qualified to apply for. I am thinking he is kind of over thinking as well, since technically he isn't even out of the military till the 28th. please send us job vibes~

limbo

I am laying here in Torrance, I left my heart in Alaska, and I look in to the future and see no real plan for the first time in a long time. there are opportunities, just no certainties. My anxiety is a little high as we sit in limbo in a concrete jungle, where the pace is faster, people are less kind, and drivers don't know the rules. I know this is only temporary but its hard to live without orders in hand or at least a 'date'. I suppose now we are civilian that's how it will be. I am going to have to make best of this situation as I always have. Home is where you make home. Even in limbo.

Reading something about the girls in Nigeria and I muttered to myself, "I can't believe these girls were abducted to be married off". that's when I saw my son wide eyed to my left and these words came out of his mouth, "what does marry off mean, mom?"

my first instinct was that he does not need to know. He doesn't need to know that else where in the world his sister would be treated like property. She would not go to school. She would not be seen. She would not be heard. He did not need to know that women and girls were devalued. He did not need to know there were bad men who takes girls away from schools by gun point to be sold as brides. just earlier that day we had talked about what it means to marry. He seemed like he was confused by why I seemed upset by the idea of being married off.

the more I thought about telling him an excuse to not have to explain to him what getting 'married off' meant, the more I could not say words like "it's nothing you have to worry about". I made a promise long ago that I would not lie to my children if they asked me a question, even if it sometimes meant telling them something they might not want to hear. "it's nothing you have to worry about" would be a lie. A lie I did not feel comfortable telling him. People treating human beings like property to be bought and sold is something all human beings should worry about.

silence was not an option.

i told him the harsh truth. these girls were kidnapped by bad men who treated them like toys you buy at the store. He would sell them and that's wrong. He was making these girls marry someone even of they didn't love the other person.

he took it all in and said "that's not nice. I will punch him in the face!". I had to remind him this was real life and not a video game.  "that's still not nice" he said, and went to play.

indeed. It's not nice at all. I wish it was all a video game but it's reality. Honestly I don't know of I did the right thing by telling him. b I have been thinking about it all day.

let us not give up hope until the girls come home.

8 years

it is the first year we've been together and actually remembered our anniversary on the actual date.  It's more of a joke than anything. 
I feel loved everyday.  I am loved everyday.  that makes this day just any ordinary day. 

it has been eight weeks since lil boi's birth.  I feel back to my normal self, even contemplating going out in -20 degrees with the kids on my own.  then reality sets in and I have to feed the little boogers.

I decide to stay in. 

It's almost march.  thaw is coming soon and I just can not wait.  Paul has been medboarded so instead of getting out of here in april, we can stay here for another summer (yessss), and I have been contemplating taking some spinning classes now that bean fares better with her dad.  we will be here for another blueberry season.  another summer.  not to mention that paul has a few leave days he HAS to use.  it also means he will be looking for a job.  a job that will permanently settle us somewhere.  he is contemplating Texas.  watching shows about beef brisket BBQ may sway me, but I doubt it.  I want snow.  I want trees.  Texas does not have snow or trees.  I don't like sand.  Texas is... sandy.  I lived 10 minutes from the ocean for 26 years of my life and I purposely avoid the beach in california. 

I really want to stay here in Alaska.  I sneaked in a proposal for a job at a place called the alaska center for UAV integration.  they have yet to find a security officer.  I hope that we can stay... but it's not really my call.  if the job is in houston, I will go and live with the sand. 

Baby J's birth story

baby jumping (zilla named him) entered this world on december 15th at 1447.  he was 7lbs 2oz just like his sister and 19in long. he shares his birthday with his great-grandma bettie, great-uncle tad, and aunt carole (all from the Mori side).

birth story

at 4 am I woke up to more 'real' contractions.  called the doula.  we went to the hospital at 6am since the contractions were about 3 min apart.  during the intake the nurse was skeptical because I was listening to my hypnobirthing mp3s, and my pain level was at zero.  lol.  she watched me on the monitors so she knew I was having them.  they told me maybe I am just dehydrated so they decided to check me.  if I was progressing in an hour, they would admit me.  being checked was the most horrible feeling!  I was 4cm, 50% effaced.

an hour later I was 6cm, 70% effaced so I was admitted.

things didn't really progress much after that.  I was walking, talking, so they didn't really feel like I was in active labor.   things even stalled for 30 minutes at one point :( they talked about pitocin (which was an absolute no for me).  they checked me again and I was only 7cm, but fully effaced.  after the stall they discussed breaking my water.  I agreed.  that was at about 1230.  Things started to pick up then.  I had three really intense contractions and I hypnobirthed through them.  later did I find out from my doula that I actually had SIX contractions.  I actually SLEPT through them! 


then the BAD news came. 



my blood pressure had gone up.  I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension in labor.  i would have to be constantly monitored.  that meant... no tub.

no. tub.











I was so devastated.  with bean's birth, the tub was a lifesaver when it came time to push. 

then I am pretty sure I hit transition.  my body had to move move move.  zilla was really helpful at this point.  we danced together, jumped together and marched together (yes I jumped during transition.  weirdest thing, ever.)   at the same time I broke down and cried for an epidural if I couldn't sit in the tub.  I KNEW that this was transition because of my break down.  I couldn't help it.  mentally I knew that he would be here soon, but my eyes wouldn't stop crying and my mouth wouldn't stop whining.  I could see the intensity of the contractions on the monitor as well, so I knew that this had to be it!  We went to the shower as a compromise then within minutes, my body just took over.  I remember holding on to him and shouting "oh my god!".  paul said I was about to fall down but I don't remember feeling that way.    I actually don't really remember what made me shout but with that, the nurse and midwife came rushing from their call station.  they asked me if I had the urge to push.  I didn't think I had to urge to, but the nurse and midwife knew from my vocalizations that that the time was really close.  they told me that I had to get to the bed if zilla wanted to cut the cord since if I gave birth in the shower they would have to get him to the warmer ASAP since I would be wet.  I focused and I was able to walk to the bed.  I sort of got on to the bed and I had to push in a weird squatting position because I just froze without completely laying down.  J was born in three to four pushes.  All I was concerned with (again) was if I was gonna poop or not.  lol. 

everything is a blur after that.  J was placed on my chest and I had to be patted down since I was still sort of wet.  zilla got to cut the cord and meet his new baby brother.  bean had fallen asleep in dad's arms during this entire thing. It made me wonder if nature has it's way of doing that.

baby J is doing great.  everyone has settled down.

and what do you know, zilla doesn't like baby milk.  he says it tastes like watery spinach.

He has OFFICIALLY weaned!

34 weeks

I've finally slowed down, it actually hurts to keep moving although I want to, so cleaning has come to a slower pace.  I had some time to sit down and look at ottobre patterns (BAD IDEA).  I really want to get better at sewing for kids.  I was debating to take a class but with kiddos around who knows.  I really wish I had family that could teach me.  I actually sat down to print the waterfall blouse I had meaning to make since I got pregnant.  I even taped it together.  then it was lunch time. 

snow is falling (FINALLY)!  I love opening the door and have fresh cold air in my face.  for some ridiculous reason we left zilla's winter boots in storage, so we need to go find those and go adventuring outside!  It is my most favorite time of the year!

life at a slow pace and other adventures

cross posted to facebook as well:

went to sam's club, I sat there and watched the people in the lines to pay for a little while. Its incredible how slow the pace of life here is. The beeps of the machines, the speed of the workers putting your items in the cart, the speed of people exiting the lanes, everything was noticeably slower to me. I wonder if I was missing anything while life was rushing around me in Los Angeles.

A couple at denny's here in alaska waited 20 minutes for a menu and didnt even complain. I mentioned to Paul that if we were in LA, we would have left. I remember going to the kettle and being caught off guard when my food came to my table in 5 minutes just as I was getting comfortable in my seat. I felt rushed, like they wanted me to get out of there as soon as possible.

when I left LA, Rochelle told me that I would love the slower pace of life.

8w left till my due date and the last few weeks has been quite interesting. I haven't been able to sleep, stay still, and I have been tired at the same time. I am full of energy one moment and crashing the next, yet unable to relax to shake it all off. Other than that, this pregnancy has been uneventful like the others.

this was my second year participating in the big latch on here in Fairbanks. It was great to see many moms and children of all ages participating. In such company it was the only place I would ever feel comfortable allowing zilla to nurse in public.

well of course I was met with positive attitudes,  but I felt as if it was out of place for me.

I don't particularly enjoy nursing zilla.  I haven't for about a year now and he only nurses every few days especially on a stressful day.  I let him but I don't feel like it's anything special anymore.  I feel like he uses it as a crutch.  although I have began to introduce other methods of comforting (like hugs and kisses), I do it because all hell would break loose if I didn't.  I know that all hell breaks loose because he NEEDS the comfort though.  It's just hard to understand unless you've been through it.  It's kind of like when you really need ice cream but all you got is frozen yogurt.  sometimes it's ok but sometimes it just doesn't cut it.  I've been trying to wean him since I was pregnant with bean. i have been taking it one day at a time for twenty months. sometimes I feel like the breastfeeding community doesn't embrace the fact that nursing is sometimes not that great. 

yes it's nice to have positive affirmations but I want a community where I could say "this sucks (literally)". I want a community that says "how is it going?" than "that's great". breastfeeding is so much more complex.  there are so many different emotions involved but we tend to get caught up in only the good ones.  I think there are a lot of negative feelings that we may not feel comfortable divulging to others because of the way the culture is.  I admit it, I sometimes tell people I'd wish he'd just quit and they think I am joking.  I am counting the days when he will wean.  I am going to throw myself a hell of a party.

these last weeks have been stressful for all of us.  In the end it seems all insignificant but I think it had a great impact on me and I hope to make it a positive on in the long run.

we had to move out of our place.  it all started with a faulty CO2 sensor and a call to the fire department.  then a call to the housing office.  then an inspection.  we thought it was a fire safety inspection.  later we learned that it was a welfare inspection that eventually led to our lease not being renewed.   it was a myriad of things like guns not stowed away safely (it was in the basement up high on a shelf with a trigger lock but instead it needed to be in a 'locked box').  a shelving unit blocking attic access, toys in the hall that may trip emergency workers,  and 'cleanliness' issues (they called it 'clutter' which basically what it was), and of course the damn dog peeing in the side room (which I treated multiple times with petastic and used the green machine to clean). I tried my best and I was 10 weeks pregnant at the initial inspection and 12 weeks pregnant at the follow up.  well it wasn't 'good enough' for them.  worse part of it probably was the fact that there were people there who didn't really understand why we were being kicked out.  the 30 day notice didn't even specify what on the list we had actually accomplished.  the what we asked you to do and what you did/didn't do was cut and pasted, yet the gun was stowed away according to their specifications.  shelving unit was moved.  there were no clutter in the halls or on the counters.  carpet was cleaned.  obviously none of the issue was actually scrutinized.  oh well.  so we moved out.

It literally destroyed me psychologically.  Honestly it had nothing to do with the fact that I am messy.  I am messy and that's just how I am.  I was destroyed because it reminded me of my relationship with my mom so much.  She used my issues to control me.  if I had plans to go out she would use cleaning against me.  my room was never clean enough for her for me to go anywhere, and she would make sure I was aware of that 10 minutes before a friend would come and pick me up, even IF I had cleaned my room which I shared with my two sisters and my brother.  I stopped making plans.  I stopped caring.  to top it off, she wouldn't care if the house was clean or not if she wanted to go out.  then she started complaining that no one would stay home to clean so that's why she acts the way she does.  I suggested that she make a calendar to set a date once a week where everyone would keep their day free to clean the house.  of course this plan fell on deaf ears because what if she wanted to make plans on that day??? :facepalm: 

then my mom asked me this gem.   "why don't you ever sneak out and see your friends like I did in high school?"

If this was what it was about I didn't want to be a part of it.  If I got forced to clean my room, I'd sleep in a pile of books and clothes while listening to KLON on the radio.  That was most of my weekends growing up.  sometimes I could go out but I'd have to take my sisters and brother with me.  I love them to death but it gets hard when you want to go out with a car full of friends.

my mom hardly ever cleaned too, we had to clean the kitchen every night after she cooked dinner because she was "tired" from cooking dinner but we were never allowed to use the kitchen to allow her to relax for a night because we'd make it messy. 


I don't know, typing all of this make it seem so... petty.  like I am blaming my mom for all my woes this past month, but while I was cleaning the house, zilla came over and helped me.  Bean had a sponge in her hand and a water bottle in the other.  I am frantically looking up ideas on the internet for cleaning tips.  I felt so horrible today when the inspector flipped up the top of the oven to see if I cleaned it.  It wasn't cleaned well because I didn't know you could do that!!  I didn't know what to think.  LOL.  would it have been different if my mom had engaged us?  I definitely want to be a different kind of mom than my mother ever was so my kids won't have to have issues like I have.  I know that will lead me to be a better person.  still messy of course but without the shame and guilt for being such a person. 

I was watching an episode of anthony bourdain's no reservation. it was an old episode with ted nugent. obviously they have very different views about the world but it was really refreshing to see that both were able to look past that to enjoy a beer and some good ol' texas BBQ. I don't get why two very different people can't enjoy each others' company on TV.  The whole episode anthony bourdain emphasized that he didn't agree with ted most of the time but their exchanges were cordial, and even included a little bit about politics.  I decided to see the reaction online and this stuff is what I found:

Anthony. Are you stooping to new lows by associating with Ted?

Sort of off-topic, after I saw Anthony Bourdain do one of his programs featuring Ted, shooting his guns, etc., I've never watched another Bourdain program. Prior to that I liked him, thought he was cool. That's my boycott.

I didn't know exchanging ideas with someone you don't agree with makes you a bad person. : / This is what I think is what's so inherently wrong with society today. I've learned a lot from people who I don't agree with.

9:30am

moo: OMG I've been awake since 7:30.
kids: WTF it's morning, WTF it's morning, WTF it's morning.  /whine

9:30pm

moo: OMG. I've been awake since 7:30.
kids: It's time to play!  It's time to play!  It's time to play!  /play

MOAR HORSERADISH!

Yuppp!  we are excited to announce that #3 is on it's way and the greatest part of this is 12 weeks in, paul is still in the US.

so they say, third time is the charm.  ;)

I have hardly felt any nausea.  they say the third one is always... different.  this time it has been different in a good way.  with zilla and bean I wasn't really sick but still semi-nauseated so preggo pops were my lifesaver.  I did have a few days where I needed some but I could count those days on one hand.  I've been craving junk food again which has happened in both pregnancies.  Roast beef and horseradish sandwiches has been an odd out of nowhere craving.  we were at base camp and I just wanted MOAR HORSERADISH!!!   lady brought some out and said it's really strong.  I finished most of it (I had already finished half my sandwich.  LOL)  we went to go look for it at the store and it's been a learning experience.  It's hard to find horseradish anything without HFCS!  well, we did find some annie's horseradish mustard and it keeps the craving at bay but not exactly what I am looking for. 

zilla is convinced that baby b (short for baby 'brother') is a boy.  His logic is though, that he already has a sister.  according to my friends in bean's DDC, that seems to be a running thing amongst older siblings. 

bean seems to be ready too.  I was nursing her for bed and I didn't want to tandem nurse.  I told zilla to wait until she was asleep, instead of being ok with that, bean pointed at my other breast and insisted that they nurse together.  sheesh!  lol.  she also kisses pictures of zilla when he was a baby and she is so taken by them.  we have a book with babies faces on them and she loves it.  I hope she knows what she is getting in to. 

I'm still afraid of sibling resentment.  I don't resent my brother and sisters at all but I do resent how they were used by my mom to control me.  they were never meant to be 'used' that way.  I don't want my kids to have that kind of feelings towards each other either.  I am again, contemplating a home birth.  zilla is REALLY interested in the baby especially after reading the homebirth book.  he wants me to go to the hospital NOW to bring home a baby!  He wants the baby to play xbox with him.  he wants to play sword games with him.  I have to keep telling him that the baby has lots of growing up to do.  ;)

I really can't wait to see how these littles grow up.   

3 days of spring

We seriously only had three days of spring.  after my post last week, things warmed up considerably, and as we hit the memorial day weekend it was in the 70s, AKA summer.  We didn't have a 'melt'.  It all just evaporated.

We drove to Anchorage to sight see.  It was the most amazing ride through the Alaska range.  It is absolutely amazing.  there was snow still on the ground and near denali it was still in the 30s.  We saw a moose and her calf and a herd of caribou (wild reindeer basically) blocking our road on the highway.  We also drove the first 20 minutes of the seward highway south of anchorage and stopped at a wetlands migratory preserve just on the edge of the city.  didn't catch the name though because we just stopped by on a whim. :(  everything was so BEAUTIFUL.  I totally get why people fall in love with this state. 

Anchorage on the other hand was your typical big city with traffic and the usual stores and restaurants you don't get in fairbanks.  Traffic was annoying, and we realized we really didn't miss Target or Applebee's as much as we thought.

We spoke to a random lady at the preserve about a school in Anchorage that has a Japanese immersion program.  We went to look at the area and seemed like it would be something we'd definitely be interested!  It was on the south side of town (meaning close to the seward highway) and it is a lakeside community.  I almost want Paul to ETS 100% (unless we get stationed in Japan).  We are actually selling our condo now just in case we do want to move there.  It was kind of exciting to see what our lives could be outside of the army.

oh and there is a huge Target AND a Fred Meyers.  didn't miss Target *that* much?  who am I kidding.  :)

spring is finally here ;)

we had snow on saturday (high did not even reach 32).  even locals and long time residents were swearing under their breath on how cold it was at the farmers market, but in the most alaska-esque way, people streamed in, looked around, ate, and drove away.  temperature was not bad at all but the windchill was pretty killer..

facebook.

so full of drama.

sometimes though, you get those moments where honest discussion is going on and a complete stranger does the right thing, and all of a sudden you realize that there are good people in this world.

after the boston marathon bombings, I got a message in my 'others' folder from a random guy.  We don't have mutual friends, but I was highly active on libertarian groups about the happenings in boston. 

One issue that I was really stunned by was the call for people to classify Dzhokhar Tsarnaev (a naturalized citizen) as a domestic terrorist therefore nullifying any rights granted to him by the constitution to a fair trial.  Included in those who called for such actions were military personnel, who are of course, sworn to up hold the constitution of the United States. 

It was one of these soldiers who had messaged me. 

Still don't like the pro Muslim support...and the calls for a fair trial after all the stuff him and his brother did.

I've been over there 4 times. Nothin but hatred. I'm all for peace and understanding but you CANNOT do that with these people. They are truly less than human not because of their race but because of their views of other people in this world.

I get it.  I totally get it, is what I told him.  Your feelings are entirely valid. 

It just really saddens me that he seemed to be kind of surprised that I respected his views.  I don't know if the fact that I am a military wife makes a difference or not.  I have never been to war.  I don't feel like it's my place ever to judge someone when I have not walked in their shoes. This guy... I could tell by his writings, that he has been judged.

yet people wonder why soldiers are committing suicide due to PTSD in alarming numbers. 

DS still nurses and sometimes I really doubt myself if it's the 'right thing' for him, even if I *KNOW* it is the right thing for him.  I make the best educated choice for my kids but I can never shake that small voice inside my head away.  I drive myself batty even though I *KNOW* every child/parent relationship is different with different needs.  I worry that he'll be forever dependent on me emotionally, but I know he won't. 

Last weekend we went to the children's museum and he wanted to go on the climbing wall.  the spotters pull them up if they can't 'climb' until the child requests to stop.  zilla went up crazy high!  he actually didn't request to be brought back down.  his time was just up and the spotter had to bring him down.

I am glad that sometimes life reminds you in subtle ways that things will be ok.  I did mentally compare him with the other kids there and hate to admit it, but it felt so good.  I was proud of him not being afraid to go up so high.  Most of all I'm glad that I am not 'messing' him up - although I know I am not, nice to have reminders once in a while.

 

I had been so good at maintaining this thing and it fell apart.

It's still winter here.

next week will mark 6 months of snow and the weather isn't cooperating.  april is supposed to be the month of the melt - but this year, it is the month of record snowfall (1929).  It's not bad, as in it is still warm enough for all of us to bundle up and play outside.  Still, it's disheartening when you see about 6 inches of new snow when everyone else is celebrating spring.

Speaking of spring, I really want to start a garden this year.  I've done a decent job keeping my indoor plants alive (although I did almost kill them, I brought it back from the brink which is sadly giving me more hope about my gardening skills)

I was notified by an email from the command that paul will be deployed next year.  Horrible as it sounds, I wish I had not known.  The last two times he deployed I only had 3 weeks notice but this time I will be a nervous wreck for about a year.  It was so much easier for me when I had to buckle up and deal with it because there simply was not enough time to worry.  This time it just simply stews in my mind.  I think about it everyday and I know I would be thinking about it until it happens.

  I'll be thinking about it all summer.  :( 

forgot. again.

yesterday was our wedding anniversary. 

we forgot together again.  :)  this year, we didn't forget to try not to forget though. 

paul says, "remember the alamo!"