this was supposed to be a status update but I wrote a novel.

kittygrape was reprimanded yesterday for playing with powdered laundry soap and making a huge mess. First of all, I had already explicitly told her to NOT play with the soap. second of all I had already smelled the soap on her hands before I saw the mess, and I had hoped that she had just played with it while it was in the box so I could talk to her calmly about listening to directions (wrong, of course). When stepped in to the pile of laundry soap in the hallway I lost my cool and my voice rose, yelling her name at least three times because she did not appear when I called. no surprise there because she had already ran away to hide. however, I found her hiding with her soap scented hands in her face on the couch. she is usually better at hiding when we are actually playing hide and seek.

once she knew what the consequences were, she owned up to it and cleaned up after herself. Today she spilled the remnants of the soap that was in a bottle we didn't notice yesterday. She cleaned it up herself right away, hashtag parenting win. 

It's these little victories that I enjoy but can I do this for another 14 years+ without losing bits of my being until I have nothing of myself left?

spinning ~

I am pretty excited to have found a master spinner (certificate from handweavers guild of America) be locally here in Torrance. To make things even more exciting, she offers 'classes' on Thursday nights. They are just fiber get togethers where they learn all sorts of fiber art related stuff from knitting, to weaving and everything else in between. It is free. It also blows my mind that of the millions of people who live here there are only 20 or so people who teach fiber crafts in southern California (as in spinning and weaving that is, there are plenty of places that teach knitting and crocheting). It reiterates how 'weird' I am. Hah. I have been spinning on my drop spindle this past week because it seems that I packed away all my bobbins in with the house hold goods that got shipped. I am pretty bummed out about that but my spindle is finally getting some love. I also tried some Andean plying which was successful the first time around. It's an amazing method of plying once you get the hang of it.

as for the job situation, Paul is kind of getting discouraged as he thought he would at least hear from some people by now, but there are still many jobs that he is qualified to apply for. I am thinking he is kind of over thinking as well, since technically he isn't even out of the military till the 28th. please send us job vibes~

limbo

I am laying here in Torrance, I left my heart in Alaska, and I look in to the future and see no real plan for the first time in a long time. there are opportunities, just no certainties. My anxiety is a little high as we sit in limbo in a concrete jungle, where the pace is faster, people are less kind, and drivers don't know the rules. I know this is only temporary but its hard to live without orders in hand or at least a 'date'. I suppose now we are civilian that's how it will be. I am going to have to make best of this situation as I always have. Home is where you make home. Even in limbo.

Reading something about the girls in Nigeria and I muttered to myself, "I can't believe these girls were abducted to be married off". that's when I saw my son wide eyed to my left and these words came out of his mouth, "what does marry off mean, mom?"

my first instinct was that he does not need to know. He doesn't need to know that else where in the world his sister would be treated like property. She would not go to school. She would not be seen. She would not be heard. He did not need to know that women and girls were devalued. He did not need to know there were bad men who takes girls away from schools by gun point to be sold as brides. just earlier that day we had talked about what it means to marry. He seemed like he was confused by why I seemed upset by the idea of being married off.

the more I thought about telling him an excuse to not have to explain to him what getting 'married off' meant, the more I could not say words like "it's nothing you have to worry about". I made a promise long ago that I would not lie to my children if they asked me a question, even if it sometimes meant telling them something they might not want to hear. "it's nothing you have to worry about" would be a lie. A lie I did not feel comfortable telling him. People treating human beings like property to be bought and sold is something all human beings should worry about.

silence was not an option.

i told him the harsh truth. these girls were kidnapped by bad men who treated them like toys you buy at the store. He would sell them and that's wrong. He was making these girls marry someone even of they didn't love the other person.

he took it all in and said "that's not nice. I will punch him in the face!". I had to remind him this was real life and not a video game.  "that's still not nice" he said, and went to play.

indeed. It's not nice at all. I wish it was all a video game but it's reality. Honestly I don't know of I did the right thing by telling him. b I have been thinking about it all day.

let us not give up hope until the girls come home.

8 years

it is the first year we've been together and actually remembered our anniversary on the actual date.  It's more of a joke than anything. 
I feel loved everyday.  I am loved everyday.  that makes this day just any ordinary day. 

it has been eight weeks since lil boi's birth.  I feel back to my normal self, even contemplating going out in -20 degrees with the kids on my own.  then reality sets in and I have to feed the little boogers.

I decide to stay in. 

It's almost march.  thaw is coming soon and I just can not wait.  Paul has been medboarded so instead of getting out of here in april, we can stay here for another summer (yessss), and I have been contemplating taking some spinning classes now that bean fares better with her dad.  we will be here for another blueberry season.  another summer.  not to mention that paul has a few leave days he HAS to use.  it also means he will be looking for a job.  a job that will permanently settle us somewhere.  he is contemplating Texas.  watching shows about beef brisket BBQ may sway me, but I doubt it.  I want snow.  I want trees.  Texas does not have snow or trees.  I don't like sand.  Texas is... sandy.  I lived 10 minutes from the ocean for 26 years of my life and I purposely avoid the beach in california. 

I really want to stay here in Alaska.  I sneaked in a proposal for a job at a place called the alaska center for UAV integration.  they have yet to find a security officer.  I hope that we can stay... but it's not really my call.  if the job is in houston, I will go and live with the sand. 

Baby J's birth story

baby jumping (zilla named him) entered this world on december 15th at 1447.  he was 7lbs 2oz just like his sister and 19in long. he shares his birthday with his great-grandma bettie, great-uncle tad, and aunt carole (all from the Mori side).

birth story

at 4 am I woke up to more 'real' contractions.  called the doula.  we went to the hospital at 6am since the contractions were about 3 min apart.  during the intake the nurse was skeptical because I was listening to my hypnobirthing mp3s, and my pain level was at zero.  lol.  she watched me on the monitors so she knew I was having them.  they told me maybe I am just dehydrated so they decided to check me.  if I was progressing in an hour, they would admit me.  being checked was the most horrible feeling!  I was 4cm, 50% effaced.

an hour later I was 6cm, 70% effaced so I was admitted.

things didn't really progress much after that.  I was walking, talking, so they didn't really feel like I was in active labor.   things even stalled for 30 minutes at one point :( they talked about pitocin (which was an absolute no for me).  they checked me again and I was only 7cm, but fully effaced.  after the stall they discussed breaking my water.  I agreed.  that was at about 1230.  Things started to pick up then.  I had three really intense contractions and I hypnobirthed through them.  later did I find out from my doula that I actually had SIX contractions.  I actually SLEPT through them! 


then the BAD news came. 



my blood pressure had gone up.  I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension in labor.  i would have to be constantly monitored.  that meant... no tub.

no. tub.











I was so devastated.  with bean's birth, the tub was a lifesaver when it came time to push. 

then I am pretty sure I hit transition.  my body had to move move move.  zilla was really helpful at this point.  we danced together, jumped together and marched together (yes I jumped during transition.  weirdest thing, ever.)   at the same time I broke down and cried for an epidural if I couldn't sit in the tub.  I KNEW that this was transition because of my break down.  I couldn't help it.  mentally I knew that he would be here soon, but my eyes wouldn't stop crying and my mouth wouldn't stop whining.  I could see the intensity of the contractions on the monitor as well, so I knew that this had to be it!  We went to the shower as a compromise then within minutes, my body just took over.  I remember holding on to him and shouting "oh my god!".  paul said I was about to fall down but I don't remember feeling that way.    I actually don't really remember what made me shout but with that, the nurse and midwife came rushing from their call station.  they asked me if I had the urge to push.  I didn't think I had to urge to, but the nurse and midwife knew from my vocalizations that that the time was really close.  they told me that I had to get to the bed if zilla wanted to cut the cord since if I gave birth in the shower they would have to get him to the warmer ASAP since I would be wet.  I focused and I was able to walk to the bed.  I sort of got on to the bed and I had to push in a weird squatting position because I just froze without completely laying down.  J was born in three to four pushes.  All I was concerned with (again) was if I was gonna poop or not.  lol. 

everything is a blur after that.  J was placed on my chest and I had to be patted down since I was still sort of wet.  zilla got to cut the cord and meet his new baby brother.  bean had fallen asleep in dad's arms during this entire thing. It made me wonder if nature has it's way of doing that.

baby J is doing great.  everyone has settled down.

and what do you know, zilla doesn't like baby milk.  he says it tastes like watery spinach.

He has OFFICIALLY weaned!